Bachelor
Week Three

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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Oh, yay, more Christi! Be sure to wear you miner's helmet as we continue to plumb the depths of her psyche. Christi tells us that she had dreams about Aaron and tonight's ceremony and how it might go. She and Aaron have a private talk during which she brings up the initial connection the two of them had. Aaron agrees, but says that, since then, certain "situations" have caused him to have doubts about Christi. Like the "situation" of her being a clingy crazy freakshow.

But before we get another round of deranged justification from Christi, Chris drops by to drag Aaron away. It annoys me how they have him tap on a wine glass like he's about to announce a toast: "Here's to The Bachelor. We're beating everybody but The West Wing. Isn't that sad?" He pulls Aaron into the deliberation room for another pointless interview.

But first, commercials. Back in the Deliberation Room, we get another five minutes about how hard these decisions are. God, shut up. Chris brings up Brooke's comment that it's all "getting real." I insist on banning that phrase from our vocabulary forever. And ever. And while I'm at it, let's ban both "politically correct" and "politically incorrect." None of these phrases is ever used properly. Aaron says that Brooke has been "putting her heart out there," and he thinks she's worried that he's not doing the same. Well, yeah. She's sitting there telling you about her tragic family, and when she tries to get you to talk about your past, you try to get her into the hot tub instead. Clod. Chris brings up Clueless Crazy Christi. Aaron says that it's "a concern" to him that Christi can claim to have fallen in love with him so quickly. He says, "She's very...emotionally unstable, if you will, and that bothers me. I don't know how to deal with something like that. I really don't." Heh. I can only imagine what Christi is thinking when she watches this. Probably, "Christi Buerge. Aaron and Christi Buerge. Mr. and Mrs. Aaron Buerge. Did that dog just wink at me? Naomi Judd is my half-sister. I'm sure of it."

Before Aaron picks his six to move on to the next round, there's another session of private video messages. Gwen says she enjoyed seeing the "real" Aaron while they were out "surfing." Angela enjoyed seeing Aaron's fun side on the launched free-fall ride (that's the "Whoa! Belly" tower for you folks still playing the first version of Roller Coaster Tycoon). Kyla says that she appreciates Aaron's honesty and thinks that he's "a total cutie." Those statements seem to indicate to me that she knows she's not getting picked. I wonder if she made that before or after she found out he gave Helene his number. Brunette Heather says she thought their night together was "magical." A Disney executive slips her a fifty. Brunette Heather says she looks forward to finding out if Aaron is a good kisser. Well, that certainly takes "fishing for compliments" up to a new level. Blonde Heather says she enjoyed getting to know Aaron better. Shannon says she enjoyed their date and blah blah blah. They don't even show clips of Shannon interacting with Aaron on the date like they do the others. Hayley also enjoyed the date and hopes to get to know Aaron better. You can tell who doesn't stand a chance from these video clips. Helene says she had a great time on the date. She says she really enjoyed Aaron's company more than all the fireworks and stuff. Brooke says she had a great time and made a "deep connection." Crazy Clueless Christi apologizes for all the drama yet again, and invokes that "connection" they had the first night yet again.

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