Bachelor
Week Three

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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Back at the Malibu Dream House, Christi is all over Melissa, hoping that a key to a man's heart is through his friends. She tells Melissa that she's so happy that the siblings are there. I'm surprised she doesn't ask Melissa to be the maid of honor at her wedding to Aaron. In an interview, Brunette Heather tells the camera that Christi acted like a different person when the siblings were around and was stuck to Melissa like glue. Christi tells the camera her "intuition" is telling her that Melissa is going to pick her for the second one-on-one date. In case you Passions viewers wonder what sort of person would think desperate man-chasing characters like Theresa and Simone are heroines and not delusional nutjobs, here you go. Hell, Christi could join the cast of Passions. They wouldn't need to create a character for her, or even require a writer. Christi insists that the siblings have gotten to see what a "fun" person she is. Add "fun" to the list of words that people aren't allowed to use to describe themselves. I believe the list so far is "deep," "talented," "sincere," "modest," and "fun."

Back at the date, Helene and Aaron arrive at the Hollywood Bowl. It's just them and a string quartet. I feel that, based on the previous part of the date, I should mention that Aaron appears to be wearing whatever was on the floor closest to the bed when he got up this morning. There's a table set up for the two of them to have a fancy dinner. Aaron tells Helene he's glad she came. They toast and eat and pretty much ignore the quartet. Helene tells Aaron that he's easy to talk to. After they eat, Helene and Aaron dance to the quartet's music like a couple of kids at prom during a slow song. Hysterical. Aaron fondles Helene's arm and voices-over that he's really getting to like her. They dance in slow motion. At the end of the night, Aaron stammers through some thanks. Really, he can't even tell her how much he enjoyed the date without having to pause every four words to figure out what to say next. The guy's so socially awkward. I mean, that's not such an awful thing, and some would find it endearing. But the show's insistence on portraying Aaron as the perfect man just heightens the fact that he's really a big doofus. Aaron leans over and invades Helene's space to ask her to kiss him. There's a five-second pause while Helene thinks about it. She finally capitulates, much as she did with the pants, but doesn't really seem all that interested. Or she just doesn't express herself that well romantically and that comes off as a lack of interest. Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything. They kiss, and then somebody sets off some fireworks. God, how ridiculous. Helene pretends to be surprised and thrilled. Helene and Aaron kiss some more. Aaron thanks her for wearing the pants. Helene laughs. She's going to burn those pants when she gets home. In a voice-over, Helene says that she hasn't really been putting herself out because she doesn't want to get her feelings hurt, but the more time she spends with Aaron, the more she likes him.

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