Bachelor
Week Three

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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Before the commercials, we get a teaser for what's coming up. Chris says, "Who will get the second one-on-one date?" We see Brooke lying on a beach next to Aaron. "Who will get left out?" We see Christi on a carousel, looking sad. Gee, ruin it for us, why don't you?

Commercials. When we return, the next Martha Stewart gift box has arrived. It's the first group date, and Kyla, Gwen, and Hayley have been chosen to participate. They're going to spend the day at the beach. How bleah. Aaron says that Melissa and Ryan did an "awesome" job matching the women to the dates. I don't think that bodes well for Kyla's, Gwen's, or Hayley's chances. Hayley tells the camera that when she goes on a date to the beach, she normally doesn't bring "[her] two hottest friends and their boobs." Do I need to tell you that whenever boobs are mentioned, we get close-up shots of boobies? Of course. Hayley worries that Aaron won't like her because she doesn't have big breasts. Well, if his date with Helene is an indication, Aaron's more of ass man. I have noticed that he doesn't seem to be staring at the chests very much.

Back at the Malibu Dream House, Brunette Heather gets her cattiness going in the kitchen and asks Ryan how many women contestants he thinks have boob jobs. Ryan says two-and-a-half. The women are confused and laugh at his response. He explains that he's not sure about one of them. I was sort of hoping that he'd tell them that one of the absent bachelorettes said she had to get a mastectomy because of breast cancer and had to get a reconstructive implant. That would shut them up. Anyway, everybody believes that Kyla has implants. Can Mormons do that? Why am I asking? There's always a huge gap between how members of religions are supposed to behave and what they actually do. I'm not even going to try to figure out why a woman who is so proud of her virginity would feel the need to enhance her breasts. Gwen is the other suspect. One of the women insists that Gwen has had "lifts." What the hell are those? Never mind. I don't want to know. ["In case any readers do, that probably means she had surgery to make her existing boobs higher and perkier." -- Wing Chun] Ryan says that Gwen was the "half." Interestingly, nobody seems to realize that this means that there's one other person that Ryan thinks has implants, which means she's probably in the kitchen with him.

Back at the beach, Aaron and the others all surf. Actually, they most assuredly do not surf. They have surfboards and wetsuits, but none of them knows how to surf at all. Essentially, they've got portable diving boards. As the sun goes down, Aaron gives the women a group hug and thanks them for helping him "abuse the waves." My eyes roll. Gwen observes in an interview that they got the "nonromantic date." You go to your beach with your friends and family. But what about when people put in their personals that they like "long walks on the beach"? Is that just a line? Are you saying that they don't mean it? I'm scandalized. Gwen worries that Aaron thinks of her as a "buddy."

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