Bachelor
Week Three

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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Back at the Malibu Dream House, the third Martha Stewart gift box has arrived. The women open it up to discover that it's the invitations for the second group date. Brunette Heather reads the group date list -- Angela, Shannon, both Heathers, and Christi. Heather takes great pleasure in announcing Christi's name as a fellow group-dater, but nobody really pays attention to that because they've just determined that this means Brooke gets the second solo date. The women all coo over Brooke as if she had just showed them her engagement ring. Melissa explains in an interview that she and Ryan both think Brooke would be the perfect match for Aaron.

For the second group date, Aaron is taking these five women to Disney's California Adventure. Hey, what a coincidence! Disney also owns ABC. Isn't that just their good fortune? Aaron explains that they cleared out the park so that he and the women could have it all to themselves. I amuse myself by imagining that Disney did no such thing -- there's just nobody else there. I've read in a number of places that the park is not performing well. An amusement park with a theme about California, located in California. Wherever did things go wrong? I guess there are indeed limits to that stereotypical level of self-absorption among SoCal residents. ["As an aside: Glark and I were working at an L.A.-based web developer when they got the contract to redesign the Disneyland site. This was back in 1997, when they were just starting construction on Disney's California Adventure. Glark and I thought it was a really stupid idea -- like, why would you come from another part of the country to visit Disney's counterfeit Yosemite when you could just go to...you know, actual Yosemite? But no one listened to us; in fact, whenever we had any objection to any part of the Disneyland website project, we were accused of not 'getting' the whole Disney aesthetic because we are Canadian." -- Wing Chun] Aaron and the women load onto what appears to be a steel looping roller coaster with a powered launch system. Did I mention I've been playing Roller Coaster Tycoon II?

Later, Brunette Heather puts on that second face she's been keeping in her purse in the event she gets some alone time with Aaron. On the Ferris wheel, she talks smack about Brooke, explaining to Aaron that she's still really young and likes to "party, party, party." Yeah, that's going to turn Aaron against her. Not only does Brooke have big boobies and is totally submissive, she can also do kegstands with him at the next frat reunion. Aaron would never want a woman like that. In an interview, Aaron observes that Brunette Heather was the only woman who had anything bad to say about Brooke. Aaron thinks that the "vindictive" nature of the women is starting to show. Like Aaron isn't feeding it by getting the women to talk about each other in the first place. Also, Heather was indeed bitchy there, but she still didn't reveal Brooke's secret about her jailbird dad, so I guess she has some sort of limits. Whereas Christi would have hired a skywriter to spell it out if she had known.

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