Bachelor
Week Three

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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Everyone heads over to the midway to play skee-ball. Aaron says that he needs to find a way to make it competitive. Okay, dork, if you're going to make it a competition to spend time with you, then you can't complain that the women are behaving like they're in competition with each other. Because they are. The woman with the highest score gets to ride on the carousel with Aaron. Everybody plays. Christi wins. In an interview, Aaron explains that Christi won (we just saw that, you idiot), but adds that he wasn't sure that he wanted to spend more time alone with her. On the midway, he spontaneously decides to make it best two out of three. Bwah hah hah! I think that's the first actual "burn" by Aaron directed toward one of the women on the show. In an interview, Crazy Clueless Christi says she thought it was "kind of weird" that Aaron would change the rules like that. But apparently Christi has played skee-ball a lot. It's probably part of her duties given all the county fairs she's had to attend as Miss Idaho. So she wins again. Hee. It's moments like this that make reality shows worthwhile.

Aaron and Christi head over to the carousel alone. Aaron looks like he's wearing the same outfit he wore on Helene's date, except with a leather jacket -- all black. They make small talk. Aaron tries to pretend he's not uncomfortable. He tells the camera that Christi had this Fatal Attraction thing going and was sure she was in love with him already. Well, I suppose I should give Aaron points both for being observant and for thinking that her behavior is ridiculous. This carousel has fish instead of horses. I expect it's tied to The Little Mermaid somehow. Christi sits on some blue and red fish while Aaron straddles a pink sperm whale. Hee hee hee. I can't even settle on a joke for that one. There's the pink and the sperm and it's between his legs and I am so going to get detention if I don't stop giggling.

So of course, Christi's near breakdown in Napa Valley last episode becomes the focus of conversation. If she were smart, she'd just pass it off as being drunk. I mean, she had a ready excuse right there. And then just start talking about something else. But, no, Christi also bears the title of the Miss Idaho Drama Queen and has to explain that Anindita was saying that Christi's mean and trying to cause conflict. But she wasn't. She's fun! She's the fun girl! Wasn't it fun to see her roll her eyes every time Suzanne opened her mouth? Isn't it fun when she flings herself at you like a twelve-year-old girl meeting Justin Timberlake backstage? Christi insists that she wants people to be comfortable around her and enjoy being around her, and she just couldn't deal with the fact that Anindita didn't like her. So having an insane crying fit is going to fix the problem? Suddenly, three other people were uncomfortable around her, too. Why am I dissecting Christi's logic? She's loopy. She's needy. End of story. Aaron nods politely at Christi's whole explanation with a tight-lipped smile, but doesn't say anything soothing to her at all. Heh. In an interview, Christi asks, "What happened? What did I say? What did I do? I have no idea." Oh, Christi. Has there ever been a more clueless person in the history of reality television? She points out that Aaron kissed her on the date. Of course, Aaron told us that he kissed her to shut her up, so if you see something dangling off Aaron's ass, it's that comment he made back in the second episode, criticizing Alex for leading women on during the first season. She points out that they held hands and flirted with each other. But there's none of that tonight. Yes, Christi, all that hand-holding and flirting took place before your mini-breakdown. And even before then, it was mostly you all up in Aaron's business and him being polite about it. Christi keeps trying to explain herself to Aaron, who sits on his pink sperm whale (hee!), wishing Christi would transform herself into Ariel. The mute version. In an interview, Christi says she wishes that she could go back in time to a month ago, "and have neither or [them] picked to be on the show, and run into him in the airport. Because if [she] met Aaron right on the street, the two of [them] would be together right now." Wow. There isn't even a crack in that speech that would let a bit of reality shine through. See, it's the show. It's not Christi. It's the show. Anindita and Suzanne are the only people on earth who would ever be mean to her. Aaron wouldn't have to worry about Christi freaking out anywhere but on the show. I'm guessing that Aaron wishes he could go back in time, too, and undo giving Christi's crazy ass a rose in the first place.

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