Bachelor
Week Three

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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Previously: Christi loved Aaron. Even though she barely knows him, she is "so feeling him," and they're going to be together forever and ever and have lots of babies and live in a Thomas Kinkade painting. Anindita and Frances chose themselves and ran away.

We open with the same next-week teaser we saw at the end of last week's episode. Tonight, the ten women will be pared down to six, with the help of a couple of Aaron's friends. Christi insists she's not crazy, which is exactly something a crazy person would say. See, I read Catch-22. Brooke cries some more. Christi cries some more. Chris lies that we'll have the "most dramatic invitation night yet." Lies. Aaron reminds us all how hard these decisions are. There isn't a violin tiny enough to play the appropriate sad song for Aaron's predicament.

A limo pulls up in front of the Malibu Dream House, and Chris opens the door to greet Melissa and Ryan. Melissa and Ryan are friends of Aaron's who have been dragged out here to participate in this huge farce. They're brother and sister. Melissa looks just like any of the other blondes. For a moment, I thought they might have dragged one of the first-round rejectees back, but no. Ryan looks like a cross between Carson Daly and Michael McDonald from Mad TV. They both seem completely harmless and thoroughly uninvolved in this oh-so-important decision. Chris brings them into the house and introduces them to the bachelorettes. Melissa and Ryan will be hanging around the Malibu Dream House for the next couple of days. During that time, Aaron will go on one-on-one dates with two of the women. The remaining women will be split up for two group dates. How will they decide who gets the individual dates? Aaron will tell Melissa and Ryan which two he wants to go out with, and they'll choose them. Oh wait, that's what probably really happened. What they actually tell us is going to happen is that Melissa and Ryan will interview all the women and ask them a bunch of questions that they allegedly came up with. They'll pick the two that they think are most compatible with Aaron, and those two women will get the individual dates.

Montage of the interviews out by the pool. What is one thing that you would change about yourself? Bleah, what a crappy job-interview question. That's one of those questions you're supposed to turn around somehow so that you show off an admirable quality, like, "I'm just a terrible workaholic. Always on the job. I don't remember the last time I took a vacation." Gwen says that she wishes she weren't so indecisive. That does seem to be a trait of people with large foreheads, if Dawson Leery and Sydney Bristow are any indication. Christi says that she's "a pretty emotional person. But not in a bad way." Ha! Thirty seconds and Christi has already made a fool of herself. See, she didn't actually stab Suzanne to death with a corkscrew out at Napa Valley, so she wasn't emotional in a "bad way." Brunette Heather says, "In God's eyes, I think I'm perfect." See, she's good enough for God. Who is Aaron to judge? Clearly, if he doesn't give her a rose, he's going straight to Hell. And I thought we were all sinners in God's eyes? Oh wait, we're both perfect and sinners in God's eyes. I can't imagine how religion has led to so many wars. Shannon can't remember the name of her favorite movie. Hayley says The Parent Trap. Blonde Heather says Hope Floats. How important is sex in a relationship? Brunette Heather sees it as "making love." Whatever. They haven't asked her anything that has caused her to have to swerve from her stockpile of beauty-pageant answers. Brooke makes some comparison to test-driving a car, but we don't actually get a real answer. I think that means that she likes sex. Kyla is a virgin. She tells them so. She's a virgin! And don't you forget it! She says she's the wrong person to ask about sex. Well, if she feels the need to mention at every available opportunity that she's a virgin, then she clearly has opinions about where sex fits into a relationship. Melissa laughs when she reads a question about whether the women would prefer "candlelight or candle wax." I don't think they even saw these questions in advance. A producer probably handed them to the siblings and told them just to read them off. The women are embarrassed at the question. Angela picks wax. Helene picks candlelight. Hayley picks both.

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