Bachelor
Wet, But Not Very Wild

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Shack: D+ | Grade It Now!
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He Did It All for the Nookie

Previously: Thousands of Women's Studies professors muttered angrily under their breath and shook their heads in frustration. Tonight: Aaron will take Helene, Gwen, and Brooke on overnight dates. Then he'll send one home in the most shocking rose ceremony yet! Aaron will make hard decisions! Somebody will leave broken-hearted! People will repeat themselves! Shack will roll his eyes!

We don't waste any time in this episode. And by that, I mean we get right into the dates. We'll be wasting plenty of time with people talking a lot and saying nothing. As we see highway signs for Aspen, Colorado, and flowers and birds, See 'N Say Aaron voices over that these next three dates are "crucial" because he doesn't know who he's going to boot next. I don't believe him.

We see Helene load into a skylift as Aaron tells us that he likes Helene, "but she's going to have to quit being so guarded at some point in time for us to go any further." Gee, maybe you could set a good example and actually answer some of her damned questions. Jesus, I'm annoyed already. He wants all these women to kneel before the throne of Aaron, yet he refuses to be honest with them because he'd screw up the whole premise behind the show if he did.

Helene unloads at the top of some viewing area. Aaron greets her, once again wearing whatever he found on the floor when he woke up this morning. Tuck in your damned shirt! You're on a date! They hug. Aaron tells her they have a fun day planned. She wants to know details. He says he likes surprises, which means that he probably doesn't know what the hell they're doing, either. Helene says that she doesn't like surprises, but nobody cares what she likes. Aaron says they'll be going horseback riding later, as they load into an SUV, all the better to destroy that pretty environment they're enjoying. Aaron tells the blind viewers how pretty Aspen is.

Aaron and Helene have a picnic on some windy hillside, while a couple of horses in the background stand around, refusing to play up to the cameras. Aaron asks Helene if she's happy with her work and whether she plans to stay in the field of psychology. She says she doesn't know, but that she really likes working with kids. Aaron says that the job sounds pretty flexible. Based on what? He probably hopes so, because he wants to make sure his intended wife is able to pick up his dry cleaning on demand. Helene explains that she had to take a couple of classes and had to pass a test, and then she got "national certification," allowing her to do whatever the heck it is that she actually does anywhere in the country. I'm pretty sure these classes and tests are separate from her degrees. She blathers on, wondering why she would leave New Jersey, but she isn't really sure one way or another. She asks Aaron if he likes his job. He says he does -- he gets to meet new people all the time and works with his family. Does he actually do anything? I really don't think he does. Helene asks him if his family pressured him into working for the business. He said they didn't. They just wanted him to be happy. And if his happiness meant that he gets some meaningless job title, a salary that amounts to an allowance, and some vague, occasional things to do that have a passing resemblance to actual work, who are we to judge?

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Bachelor

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