Bachelor
Wet, But Not Very Wild

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He Did It All for the Nookie

Dinner and awkward conversation. Like there's any other kind with these people. Aaron asks Gwen if she thinks he's been open with her. Gwen stammers that he has, but that he could be more open. Aaron says, "I definitely don't want to leave you hanging in any way, 'cause I think a lot of you. So it's very important that I do my best to make you understand where I'm coming from." And then he tells her that he's really not as interested in her as he is in Brooke and Helene and that she shouldn't even bother coming to the next rose ceremony. Oh, no he doesn't. He leads her on by telling her he thinks a lot about her and that it's fairly easy for him to see them "down the road together." He fails to clarify that he sees them on opposite sides of that road, and that the road in question is the Santa Monica Freeway, and that they're driving in opposite directions, and that Aaron is in a convertible full of Playboy bunnies wearing bikini thongs. Gwen tells us that Aaron "opened up" during this dinner conversation (we hear no evidence of said opening up) and that she stared into his eyes and she's in love blah blah blah.

Gwen asks Aaron if he has any questions for her, knowing that he's going to bring up that big huge secret that Gwen has been telegraphing and that they've been showing in all the commercials and as teasers before they go to commercial breaks on this very episode. Are you read for this big huge secret? Are you? Are you? Here it comes!

Gwen got married six years ago and got divorced a year later. Are you shocked? Horrified? Are you thinking of tracking Gwen down and stoning her? They can't have a fairy-tale wedding now. She's unclean! Unclean! She claims that the marriage was annulled. Whatever. She's unclean! Aaron hardly cares. He responds, "That's it?" Yeah, she's no competition for Brooke in the tragic past department there. You can't beat the South for family tragedies. Aaron responds, "We all make mistakes, you know." And then he kisses her, so that she doesn't bring up that past engagement of his to press for details. Gwen tells us that she feels better that he responded well and that she feels even closer to him than ever. Aaron tells us that it's great that her secret wasn't really a big issue, but that he was actually hoping that it would be a "deciding factor" for the next rose ceremony. See, he's totally looking for an excuse to dump her.

Time for the stupid "Fantasy Suite" invitation. They pretend that it's from Chris, because he's hardly on this show at all anymore. I think they've fired him and are just using CGI to splice in his previous appearances as necessary. Gwen doesn't even bother to pretend that she doesn't know what's in the envelope. The card says exactly the same thing as Helene's but with the names and locations changed. Aaron suggests that they go check it out, drink some wine, and hang out and see if they like it. Then they can go back to their individual rooms if they want. There's no mention of a hot tub. What if Aaron gets dehydrated?

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Bachelor

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