When You're Here, You're Family

Episode Report Card
Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
So, You Don't Like Italian?

So that's very much like Liz's relationship with Amber.

Amber listens to Liz's tirade for a few sympathetic seconds before hitching her IV pole of booze up and staggering off drunkenly. We catch up with them again upstairs an indefinable time later, where Liz tells Amber, "I don't want there to be tension." And around and around it goes. There's a thermostat in the background of this scene. It is a steady 77 degrees in the house. I'm not supposed to know that, or wait for it to cross the camera's path again so I can wait and see if the temperature changes. It doesn't.

Kirsten and Andy are on a yacht. Andy gives Kirsten a lot of diamonds. A necklace, a bracelet, earrings. She tells us it makes her feel "special." She admits to him, "I don't have a lot of jewelry at all," which I'm guessing is either a) a lie or b) truth by comparison to the amount of swag she's going to expect once the ring is firmly on her finger. He comforts her: "We can work on that." Coincidentally, this is when Christina tells us she believes that she and Andrew have a "connection." And how many karats is that connection, do you think, Senator Gold-Digger?

I'm bored. Is anyone else bored? I'm stupidly bored.

"Saddle up, cowgirls. Let's spend the day horsing around." Why are the notes for the group dates are starting to turn into really unimaginative category names from Win Ben Stein's Money today? Anyway, the final group date will feature the prostrating stylings of Audree, Tina, Tennessina, Jen, and Heather. One of Jen and/or Heather has simply got to go, or I'm going to make a dumb mistake someday soon. By of illustrating for us the unnatural nature of the dynamics of group dating, Jen explains, "When I go on a date with someone, I don't bring along four of my girlfriends who are interested in the same guy." You don’t? Anyone up for the easy joke? 'Cause here it comes: Audree's all, "You don't?"

Oh, look. A pointless subplot that got plugged in on the final day of editing. Let's let Christina tell it: "I think all the girls just started calling Tina 'Tina Fabulous' because she's very feminine and always put together." A gauzy, behind-the-scenes-at-the-Sports Illustrated-swimsuit-issue montage ensues of Tina from Wisconsin (who I will never, ever, ever refer to "Tina Fabulous" ever, EVER, even though I'm convinced that the other Tina, Tennessina, came up with the name, but I'm sorry, I don't take my nickname cues from the amateurs) ensues. Then it ends. That's the whole scene. I think someone gave her that name because other people were starting to call the other Tina "Tina Quarterback" or "Tina Who Likes The Ladies" or "Tina Chickenman Chickenman Chickenman." But I digress. Again.

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