When You're Here, You're Family

Episode Report Card
Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
So, You Don't Like Italian?

Meanwhile, back at Chez Chez Chez What You Want But Don't Play Games With Their Affections, L&L Lunkhead toast with plastic cups, and he announces, "Raise your glass. To us." Right. The only "glass" that animal is acquainted with is the ceiling that he prefers to remain intact so that the sloppy seconds he inherited doesn't become more successful than him. The girls toast half-heartedly -- after all, those two morons chose the two most hated girls in the house for both one-on-one dates -- as Shannon's confessional lets us know that their opinion is going to play "a big part" in who will receive roses from Andy. Outside, Lord Lunkhead addresses the knotty issue of everybody hating Kirsten to Christina, and Christina voices over, "She's not completely over this ex-boyfriend, and being here is just a way to kind of forget him." Lord Lunkhead listens intently, telling us that he thinks Christina might be trying to eliminate Kirsten on purpose. Dude, I thought you were going? Lord Lunkhead certainly would object to that, so it's odd and he and his Lady friend would choose to drop the bomb on Andy the very living moment he gets home from the yacht. Let's let Lady Lunkhead take it, shall we? "Four people today were like, 'Yeah, she has a boyfriend, yadda yadda yadda.'" Man, it looked from the preview like Andy was going to buy that story and we were actually going to have a plot. But that's not what happened at all. Meanwhile, inside, Kirsten blathers on about her amazing jewelr-- er, "date," as the girls sneer at her insane superficiality. Whatever, ladies. Her boat may float in a shallow pond, but you've got to admit that that was still a pretty nice fucking boat.

The trailer for Group Date III: The Groupening unspools mercilessly, landing us back at Catty Corner as Tennessina buttons up a shirt and emits a low, growly laugh that all but drowns out the sound of her second X-chromosome asking itself out loud, "Y'know, what am I even doing in here?" Andy shows up at the house, telling us that he's feeling the "pressure of the next Rose Ceremony starting to creep in." And considering that this episode has now been broadcasting into the homes of America (and the miniscule English-speaking population of Canada, bless their frozen souls) since the day the first picture tube rolled off the first picture tube assembly line, that is some low, insidious, Jaws-theme kind of creeping right there. Today is what you might call "the consolation date" or "the economy-size date." This is a date you buy at CostCo because the price is so low and the value is so high, and you promise yourself that you're going to use all of it, and then it just sits on top of the refrigerator or in the back of the laundry room for a thousand years until you find it again and you throw it away all ashamed because, ew, my date has grown a sickening green mold. It's five girls together. And some I still can't tell apart. Jen? Heather? Get a nametag. Or get a defining exotic mole or facial tic. Or get lost.

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