Bachelor
When You're Here, You're Family

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So, You Don't Like Italian?

And we're off to easier-to-take-five-girls-you're-not-interested-in-than-to-spell "Calamigos Ranch" (and Malibu Conference Center, fans of rustic corporate events will be relieved to learn), where we find a mechanical bull sitting in the middle of a field. Andy explains that "the lady who lasted the longest got some alone time." So whoever remained on the bull got some peaceful time away from you for a while? Hang on tight, ladies! One by one, female integrity is pitched violently off the bull and onto the ground (what a convenience that, even in this totally natural environment, the ground below them is still made entirely of squishy blue safety mats), with Tina from Wisconsin taking the prize and getting the gift of…a spin on an empty, creepy, broken-down merry-go-round! All stops pulled out for this group date, people. I mean, Kirsten goes on one solo date and the cost of her jewelry alone roughly equals the GDP of Palau, and all Tina gets for her tough-as-nails physical endurance is a trip to the opening sequence of a horror movie called Carnival of Death starring her as the damsel in distress and L'il Andy Firestone as "the pissed-off ventriloquist dummy come to life." Blah blah blah, the scene follows the general circular non-trajectory of the ride, as Andrew tells Tina that his friends really liked her (though not that much, I'm guessing, considering where they ended up) and Tina screams over the creaking of the deadly rusting toy, "I think that you're absolutely amazing, and I think that I want to get to know you better, but I'm not going to say that I know too much about you, 'cause I don't." Good job, Tina. A fair, equitable, and…ack, run! The horses are coming to life!

Sorry. I had no other way to get the hell out of that scene. I tried to write a "grab the brass ring" joke for twenty minutes, but it just didn't take.

And, football. Tina and Andy walk to an open field, where she wows him with her ability to pitch a football in stiletto heels and drink beer. I mean, I guess she's cool and all. But wouldn't marrying her be like making a commitment to spend the rest of your life living inside a Coors Lite commercial?

Okay, this shit I hate. Now, we've talked about The Bachelorette and how the editing really protected Trista and we never saw what were doubtlessly some dicey moments for her. Because they never showed her being really mean about any of the guys, which she probably was. And they never showed any of the guys talking about how they thought she was less than stellar, which they probably did. But the one thing they really never would have shown was Trista asking any of the guys what they thought about any of the other guys, and the reason I'm pretty sure they never showed that footage is because I'm pretty sure that said footage does not exist, because I'm pretty sure you have to really be an insensitive, uncertain jerk to pull that on someone. Oh, speaking of which. Back with the rest of the ladies, Andy asks all five girls what they think about Kirsten, and Audree and Tennessina launch into a speech about how Kirsten doesn't have time for any of the other girls, leading Tennessina to muse, "If you didn't make friends in this group of people, there's an issue." Jen tells us in a confessional that she thinks maybe he should be a better judge of character than that. Word, Jen. For that excellent assessment of things, I promise to keep knowing who you are. Well, as long as they keep putting your name on the screen every time you're on it. Other than that, are you Heather?

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