Bachelor
When You're Here, You're Family

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Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
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So, You Don't Like Italian?

It's Rose Ceremony night. The girls parade in for Andrew's edification, Tina from Wisconsin choosing wisely this week not to go with her "Lesser-Known Flags of the Middle East" wardrobe theme, as everyone knows that the chartreuse color of the United Arab Emirates simply doesn't match her eyes. Clothing-wise, though, it seems that the two Tinas have experienced a bit of a Kirk Cameron/Dudley Moore body switcheroo, as tonight it's Tennessina's turn to wear the spangly, Bedazzled sequins. Her chances with Andrew may not be solid, but her outfit is decidedly Solid Gold. Andrew immediately asks Tennessina to go outside with him -- I think because his delicate, pampered corneas can't process the glare of the sequins refracting off the lights -- and asks if she has any last-minute questions for him. She tells him that she wants to know what he pictures in a "Mrs. Firestone," and he blah blahs about confidence and drive. He lies that he's interested in her "to no end" (in fact, I feel that unforeseen "end" is quite a tangible, marked point in time), and she tells us afterwards that she's more interested in him than ever after their one-on-one conversation. Oh, man. Wait, what's that? No, Tina, "oh, man" is just an expression. I wasn't referring directly to you when I said that.

Andrew again focuses his growing attention on Tina from Wisconsin, leading to my very favorite confessional of the evening. Well, let's just let charming Kirsten tell us all about it, shall we? Here we go: "They call her Tina Fabulous. And y'know what? I'm sorry, I'm gonna be a bitch about this, but she is not that fabulous." Oh, snap! Zing! Bitch! Although it is true that everyone says she's sarcastic and funny when all she is is mean.

I can't handle this Kirsten thing anymore. It's enough. She's not compelling enough to make her the central plot of this episode. Andy tells her that there's a rumor spreading that her ex-boyfriend dropped her off at the airport, and she shares with us that she thinks there's a "mini-sabotage" going on in the house, then starting to cry that she's "so pissed off" at how shallow people are. Your comparative depth is a beacon unto us all, dear.

Wait. End. END!!!

Jen and Andrew retire outside, where he tells another girl how comfortable he feels with her.

Andrew and Audree address the religion question for the first time. Is a Mormon in a winery a marriage or a sitcom?

Liz wants to make sure she puts "everything out on the table." Because her demeanor was so reserved and un-psychotic before that.

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Bachelor

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