Bachelor
When You're Here, You're Family

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So, You Don't Like Italian?

Amber tells him that she's "not herself" around him. He tells her that he feels like they've had some "weird" situations. She feels like she's not getting a rose tonight, and she celebrates this by developing an eating disorder on television, eating twelve thousand cookies and announcing, "I'm gonna be the fat girl on the reunion show." Oh, word.

Shut up, Christina.

Liz: "I like that tie a lot."
Andrew: "I think this tie is the bees knees."

Yeah, I see why this episode had to be two hours long.

Finally! Our Guardian Game Show Host indicates the end is nigh, as Chris enters the room with his usual perilous glass-clinking routine. He steals Andy away, and once they're comfortably seated, it's on to the issue at hand: "Things have changed." They have, indeed. Once I was interested. Now I am dead. Chris shakes himself awake as Andy explains that he's experiencing feelings for more than one woman. Andy says he's pretty secure in the six women that he's giving roses to tonight, giving away the fact that he won't be doing much more deliberation from this point onward. Let's get on with those video messages, then! They're all crazy about him. They all want roses so they can get to know each other better. Ann-Michelle appears to believe that they actually went to Morocco.

Does anyone else think that Audree's glamour shot makes her look exactly like Aimee Mann? Yeah, me neither.

Chris speeches the ladies that the mood has become "serious," and Andrew reads from the arbitrary collection of words that make up Magnetic Poetry: The Filibustering Bachelor Collection when he tells them, "Tonight, it's about following my heart." Let's follow along!

Kirsten, will you accept this rose? She'll drink to that. She'll even swirl the wine around in the glass pretentiously. She just won't know why she's doing it.

Jen, will you accept this rose? Heather steps out. Crap! He chose the wrong one!

Ann-Michelle, will you accept this rose? She is such filler he might as well have given the rose to NotAmber.

Liz, will you accept this rose? May your tears of crazy water it for many days to come.

Tina Fabulous, will you accept this rose? Ouch! But Dad, it hurts to catch a football! Remember that episode of Who's the Boss? God, I loved that show.

There's only one rose left, people. And Chris Harrison wanted you to know.

Christina, will you accept this rose? She kisses him and asks in her scariest whisper, "Please don't do that again." The "choose you last" part, or the "give you a rose" part? Because I predict that in the coming weeks you won't have to spend much time worrying a whole lot about either.

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Bachelor

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