Bachelor
When You're Here, You're Family

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So, You Don't Like Italian?

Lord and Lady Lunkhead, we learn, are solely responsible for deciding which two girls will get the one-on-one time with L'il Elfin Andy, and that the two of them will learn a bit more about the girls through "a list of compatibility questions." As L&L Lunkhead accompany Ann-Michelle out to the pool for the first round of questions, we catch up with Lady Lunkhead (she was probably only separated from her boyfriend because she was on her way to the kitchen to get him a beer for him to drink and crush against his forehead while he burps and laughs with inordinate volume at a Tim Allen stand-up special), who drops new bombs in the latest battle of The Lunkhead Wars, explaining, "I think being an ex-girlfriend…that I can probably give him more insight." Augh! They dated? How did I miss that? And, hi. She went from L'il Andy to Lord Lunkhead? I guess her physical type is "guy who makes sure I end up on TV, somehow." I would fall back on the hoary cliché that girls like her wouldn't date him even if he were the last guy on earth, but considering his stooped gait and excessive amount of gorilla-esque fur, I think instead he was the first man on earth and therefore doesn't have much statistical chance of making it to the planet's final days.

Lady Lunkhead poses the first question to Ann-Michelle: "Which best describes what you hope to be: career woman, soccer mom, or society wife?" Don't pick the one that means you love money! We go rapid-fire through the women in that "audition scene in every movie where people are engaged in the same task repeatedly" kind of way. It's the audition scene in The Commitments. It's the roommate-hunting scene in Shallow Grave. It's the how-would-you-spend-your-Publishers-Clearinghouse-money scene in Heathers. It's EveryScene. But at least it's a helpful tool in ensuring that I know the names of all the remaining girls. It's like flashcards. Answering the question I quoted in its entirety before sixteen superfluous editorial comments intervened, Ann-Michelle offers that she's "a combination," failing to add by way of further explanation, "Y'know, like my skin." Kirsten is a "soccer mom." Tina from Wisconsin is a "career woman." Liz (I have heard your plaintive call, America. She is "Elizabeth" no more) puts the button on the end of the scene, pausing for a second before asking, "What are my options again?" Ba-dum! Where's the snare drum guy when you need him? He's doing session work for the karaoke arrangements of Billy Joel songs going on two channels over? Oh.

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Bachelor

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