Next question. Sound it out, Lord Lunkhead! "Whose marriage do you most admire and why?" Jen: "My grandparents." Audree: "My parents." All of them? Amber: "Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. I just think they're incredible." Wait, though. That's kind of brilliant in its raging, teeming dumbness. Amber is like hanging out with a trashy magazine; she's like what the world would be if Us Weekly were made out of girl instead of out of mulched papyrus. And at least she didn't go with the Cox-Arquettes.
Speak, Lady Lunkhead: "How soon should sex take place in a relationship?" Christina thinks it should take place from "day one." Sorry, snare drum guy…looks like we'll be doing our rendition of "The Lady Is A Tramp" without you this week. Tina from Wisconsin just giggles like an idiot…sex is funny! Jen believes that "if you really love that person, you can wait." As opposed to hating them mercilessly, in which case you shouldn't even bother with names, especially if you've given her $300 for the hour and she won't even let you kiss her. Ann-Michelle waxes, "Sex should take place when it is time for the couple." Meh? As opposed to when it's decreed by the government agency that usually makes such decisions, the Federal Department of Copulation (www.good-good-love.gov)? Was that just another corollary to 1441 they conveniently forgot to tell us about? Damn them and their weapons of mass…adoration. Right. Anyway. What the hell am I talking about right now?
"Would you have sex without being in love?" Liz says "no" with such immediacy and alacrity that I think they must have edited in the response she gave when Lord Lunkhead asked, "Would you have sex with me right now?" He zings her with a quick follow-up question, asking, "Have you ever?" Liz again shoots out a "no" with great emphasis. Kirsten has. Tennessina has. Tina from Wisconsin oddly notes that she would "if the opportunity presented itself, maybe." "If the opportunity presented itself, maybe"? It's sex without love, not "a ride in the space shuttle." You're a skinny, single girl living in an age when the two main hobbies of men in your age group and location are ice fishing and date rape. Just say, "Casual sex is not akin to murder, is it?" and move on.
"Are you a seductress or a seductee?" "Seductee"? What is that, the Latin root of the word "seduce"? Veni vidi seducti? Amber non-answers, "These are good questions!" to deflect from the fact that she has absolutely no clue what the question means. Jen is a "seductee." Y'all, who's "Jen"? Tina from Wisconsin is a "seductress." Liz is "both," in a world where "both" means "neither" and "Liz" means "little sister." Christina cracks herself up with her coquettish response, "It depends on the time of day." Right. Like how she's sexy when it's dark in the room. We're already gone over all this.