It's The Biggest Loser! Desert-style. Yes, with just one "s." We are in the Wild West, whose landscape, with its burning hot sun, inspires the burning of calories. Some hefty folks, all lined up, walk toward us. And, you know, they sort of start panting. What? They're fat! The whole premise of this show is that people start off being REALLY fat, so don't try to make me feel bad about pointing this out. In short little clips we meet contestants Neil, Hollie, and Patty, all of whom have tragic tales involving, like, the fact that it's really hard to be fat. You know. You have ill health and have a hard time getting around and feel bad about yourself. Neil distinguishes himself by being a Red Sox fan, albeit one who is too big to fit in the seats of Fenway Park. If you don't want to do it for you, then at least do it for Manny. Bill is on with his twin brother, Jim, and says that the winner is going to be one of them. Bryan, a music teacher and early favorite of mine, hates the fact that he let himself slip. But he tries not to think about it most days. Until he puts on a pair of pants. I mean, right?
And lo, there is a vision in the desert. It is Alison "Sami Brady" Sweeney. She has at least one fan in the crop of contestants, though I'm sure that "fan" couldn't stand her when she tried to steal her sister's true love by pretending to be carrying his baby, when in reality the baby was actually that of his half-brother, and plus she had actually drugged her sister's true love to get him to have sex with her in the first place. It must be a relief for Alison Sweeney to get to stop being such a nasty whore for a little while, and just act excited when people lose twelve pounds. Ali tells us that she has experience with losing weight on TV, as she was a bit of a chunker when she first started on Days of Our Lives. She thinks The Biggest Loser is inspirational, and that the contestants are brave. To date, she says, 6,500 pounds have been lost on the the Biggest Loser Scale. Find me a single elevator that can carry all of that lost fat, why don't you. She asks the fatties if they are up for the challenge. They are. Or so they claim. Bob and Kim, the fatty trainers, are being all show-offy by skydiving out of a plane. Sami then drops the first bomb -- the contestants have to run or walk to Bob and Kim. The first person to reach each trainer will be a team captain, and will choose five other folks as teammates. The remaining six contestants will be leftovers. But not delicious meatloaf leftovers. Rather, they'll be the kind of leftovers that rot in the fridge until you find them two weeks later, say, "Ew, what is this?" and throw them out, Tupperware and all. In other words, they have to go home. The contestants are understandably concerned.