Okay, calm down, Potes. Roger hits the scale. He started at 363 pounds. His current weight is...199. That's a loss of 164 pounds, or 45.18%. Not as much as Bernie! But still, huge. He looks awesome. Ali looks nervous. As she should be, I have to say. Roger is a formidable opponent. Next is Kelly. Oh God, I wasn't going to talk about the montages, but Kelly's totally makes me cry! She wants to have a child, and be a good-looking woman on the outside as well as the inside. She's proud of what she's done, and said she's saved her life. Oh, Kel! She's crying, of course. And so am I! I just had to fan my face. The crowd really cheers Kelly. Sami tells her that she has to lose more than 122 pounds to best Roger. She started at 271 pounds, and today she weighs...162. She lost 109 pounds! That is a phenomenal number. You can tell that she's a little sorry not to have won the grand prize, but also proud of all that she's accomplished. She lost 40.22% of her total body weight. Well done! Sami congratulates her, and then points out that it's down to Roger and Ali.
Speaking of Ali, we get her montage. She compared her weight gain to committing suicide. But now she is all fab and loving life and stepping on the scale! To beat Roger, Ali has to have lost more than 105 pounds. It's daunting, but she says she's ready to do it. And then Sami cuts to a commercial break! She's just as bad as Seacrest! Cruelty. But finally Ali steps on the scale. She started at 234 pounds. Whoa, so she's going to have to get down to 128 pounds? And then, booya! She now weighs 122 pounds, for a loss of 112! With a 47.86% loss, ALI WINS! She is the first female Biggest Loser! Yay! The show went long so we don't get to see all that much of the hugging and stuff, but I'm sure it's manifold. And somewhere off camera, Bob eats his ascot. Ali is woman, hear her roar, her numbers are too big too ignore! She's coming out of the kitchen, 'cause there's something she forgot to say to you. And it's not "Pride on three."
To all of you who have read these weecaps, thank you so much! I hope you enjoyed them, and I'll see you for season six!
Potes hopes to get off of her butt and stop eating so much cheese so she is worthy to recap the next season of The Biggest Loser. You can sympathize by writing to her at: firstname.lastname@example.org.