Biggest Loser

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Biggest Loser Revealed in Season Finale

OMG! It's the finale! Sami is looking fly as she tells us that we've given a man the chance of a lifetime tonight. And then I think she loses her teleprompter, because as Mark and Roger stand behind a screen and are lighted in silhouette she says, "And now, you are here to find out which man you have chosen. You were up against...two players...and...we have one who made it to the final three...And you have to decide...which man will make it...to the final three...and win a quarter of a million dollars. That decision you will find out right now, right here, because it's LIVE!" I love that she ad-libbed us into a competition with Mark and Roger. We were all up against "pride on three." And we lost.

Okay, yay! Ten couples wanted to change their lives, and today we will be astounded by their transformations. I really can't wait -- this is my favorite part! Sami reminds us that the eliminated contestants will be competing for $100,000, and the three finalists will square off for bragging rights and a cool $250,000. The third finalist, she says, will be revealed after we see how they all got there. And you know how they got here, right? Is this really necessary? Oh, very well, then. The montage voice over guy reminds us how the girls kicked ass, leaving Roger and Mark to square off for their place in the finals. And the winner, as chosen by America, will be revealed in the first! Five! Minutes! Of the show! They'd better get cracking, then.

Mark started off as a mean fatty, and then got all skinny and cried all the time. Roger was very, very large when he started, but eventually lost more weight on campus than anyone in Biggest Loser history. That is a tremendous feat, even if he was a big doofus while doing so. Kelly started off as the largest woman in the competition. It seemed like she'd be an early goner, but she ended up being the last remaining Black Team member, thanks in part to the elimination of her dead weight ex-husband Paul. Ali lost a shitload of weight, most of it at home and on her own (even though the show doesn't remind us of this). Jillian seems to think she could be the first female Biggest Loser. The contestants did a whole bunch of stuff which I'm not going to go into because 1) you've watched the show; 2) we're four minutes and fifty seconds in! I want to know if Roger gets the boot or what!

All four finalists are en route for their final weigh-in, says voice over man. And with that, we've officially gone past six minutes. This show is such a liar! The montage weighed in at +2. I want to know how America voted, bitches! We cut back to the live show from the montage, and then Sami introduces the scale. Well hello, scale. The scale takes, like, a year to be revealed. Then it's time to bring out Roger and Mark. It's 8:08! Geez. Oh! But then Roger comes out in a velvet blazer and patterned shirt and jeans. He looks so skinny! He definitely lost weight at home. Sami tells him that his fate lies in the hands of America. Roger seems okay with that. He's been courting the evangelicals, I bet. And then Mark comes out! He looks about the same as when he left. He's wearing a full on suit, and opens his jacket to expose his rock hard abs! Well, through his shirt. Sami asks Mark what he thinks of America voting. For a second, I think that his extreme dieting has made him lose his ability to speak, but then he manages to say that he can't complain about twists and turns, because that's what kept him in the game.

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Biggest Loser

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