Previously: I "accidentally" watched the last twenty minutes of Clash of the Choirs and found it to be sort of awesome. What? Shut up. Team Lachey. WHAT??? But I digress.
Live! From Los Angeles! It's The Biggest Loser finale! Host Alison Sweeney, a.k.a. Sami, tells us that we're going to be blown away when we see the healthier and happier contestants, with their transformed bodies and lives. First off, the fourteen eliminated players will compete for $100,000, courtesy of biggestloserclub.com. And then, the four finalists will face off for the title, and the grand prize of $250,000 worth of Nabisco 100 Calorie Packs. Chips Ahoy, bitches!
We get a recap of the season, which involved a lot of sweat and medicine balls. It all began when eighteen overweight people came together with a common goal: to lose weight and change their lives forever. Hollie tells us about how a boy called her a fat pig. Bryan thinks it's a shame he let himself get this far. Upon arrival, players learned that six of them would be going home before even starting...or WOULD they? No! Because red-hot Jillian raced in on her motorcycle to claim the six as her Black Team. And you know what they say about going black. Everyone was shocked, and the competition went into overdrive. Trainers Bob, Kim, and Jillian yelled a lot, but it was all for the greater good. The pounds came off, and for the first time in Biggest Loser history, two whole teams were eliminated. Sorry, Bob and Kim. Except for Kim. This leaves Black Team finalists Bill, Hollie, Julie and Isabeau. One of them will be named the winner after suffering the stressful task of weighing in on a scale in front of a live studio and national audience. I guess after wearing sports bras in front of America when they were at their heaviest, this is nothing.
The non-finalist losers come out. Hey! It's Jim! He looks so skinny, kind of like he-has-a-disease-skinny. Then there's Kae, who just looks hot skinny. Sadly, she was attacked by a wayward bronzer on her way to the show, and is looking a little orange. And then -- woah! It's Jez, who is looking fantastic! In the words of my ten year-old-mentee, Maria, upon outfitting a particularly fierce paper doll, "My girl is banging, okay?" Oh, and then Amber. Still kind of fat. I guess there has to be one. And Patty! Also still kind of a big girl, though wearing a slimming black dress and with a better haircut. Oh, and grandpa Jerry, who looks like Jerry Lewis from behind. A skinny Jerry Lewis, mind you. Oh, and Phil! Ooooh, Phiiiiiilllllll. Hubba hubba, Mr. Soul Patch of my dreams. If you think that they look good, says Sami, wait until we see the other half. Is it wrong that I want to be the creamy center of a Jez and Phil cucumber sandwich right now?
And now, it's time for the other half of the eliminated players. We get skinny cowboy David. Wow! His head is hardly big enough to hold up that ten-gallon hat anymore! And Ryan, who is also a total hottie! Ooh, in a sharp suit, too. It's true what ZZ Top said. And then Lezlye, who looks pretty good and has fans who hold their signs upside down. And then...oh shit! It's Amy, looking supa fly. She is followed by Bryan, who has lost none of his adorableness even though he has lost a shitload of weight. He looks great. Even his tie is skinny! Oh, and Nicole, who is looking seriously foxy. Losing weight has done wonders for her hair. Oh and then Neil...Jesus! Who is like 1/3 of his former size but is not diseased-looking at all! SO SKINNY!