Biggest Loser
"Biggest Loser" Revealed In Season Finale!

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"Biggest Loser" Revealed In Season Finale!

And now, Julie. We know one thing for sure, which is that she has really whittled down that substantial booty of hers. She is, like, 3'9". So teeny! I actually feel like she could put a couple of pounds back on. She's a little drawn. Julie started at 218, and has to lose more than 89 pounds to take first place from Hollie. She now weighs 121, for a loss of 97. Jillian just smiles, then Julie runs over and gives her a big hug. She lost 44.50%, which gives her the lead...for now. People seem to have dissenting opinions about Julie, but I like her just fine and think it's evident that she really worked her ass off, and/or developed an eating disorder.

Finally, there's Bill. He went from looking like my Aunt Elaine to a svelte manorexic pixie. He's happier with himself now, and says that The Biggest Loser campus is a place where hope stays alive, and dreams come true. It's like Disney World, but with bigger seats! He says that going home was great, because he got to see his family. Bill has to lose more than 148 pounds to win. Can the Badalamenti lightning strike twice? Bill started at 334 pounds. His current weight is...beep, beep, beep, beep...170, for a loss of 164. That's 49.10%, and he's the new Biggest Loser! There are hugs, which we can't really see because of all the confetti raining down. I bet Bill is pretty glad right now that Neil got his ass kicked off the show. And Jim, for that matter. Jim will probably try to lord his higher percentage over Bill, and in response, Bill will just nosedive into a pile of $50s like Scrooge McDuck.

In any case, great work, contestants! Amidst a world where even more Spears DNA is coming into being, I salute you for preserving the last vestiges of hope that we may know as a civilization. Also great work, Sami, for not letting a piece of confetti in the mouth throw you as you scream the outro. Thank you for reading, everyone, and I hope you have happy holidays and a very Badalamenti new year! See you January 1!

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Biggest Loser

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