Biggest Loser

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Kristin Crossed

Bob greets his team and can't believe that they all didn't ace the nutrition test. He also notes that fish sandwiches are the worst thing you can get at fast-food restaurants, and that you might as well eat a pot pie. I will, thank you! Mmm, pot pie. When Kristin says that Mike was only 5 calories off on the fish sandwich, Bob hilariously yells that he's lived on fast food his whole life so of course would know. He then decides to give his contestants some homework -- to take a video camera and film what they're eating for a day. The cameras will all be named Bob, Junior, which would make me want to do naughty things with them. Jillian, meanwhile, walks in on Mike and Tara using their Zip-Loc Zip N' Steam bags. Scandalous!

With that, it's challenge time! The contestants meet Sami outside and see some dastardly crane-looking circus shit set up. The whole contraption is lifted into the air, clueing the contestants in to the fact that they'll be lifted in the air, too. Sami explains that they'll each be in a cage 45 feet above the ground. A rope is attached to one end of the cage, and they'll be holding on to the other end of the rope, thus keeping themselves in air. If they let go, their cage will fall and they're out. But not, like, at breakneck speed, I'm sure. For the first time Tara doubts if she can win this one. Too bad for her, because the prize is a cool $10,000, which they can choose to trade in for a one-pound advantage at the weigh-in.

The challenge begins! It should be noted that their cages are sort of open-air cages that involve them standing on a wobbly platform surrounded by, like, four chains. It looks really scary, particularly when the wind starts blowing. Kristin is kind of freaking out, but she says that fear is her friend, because it will make her hold onto her rope. Mike is the first to let go of his rope, and his cage falls a few feet. He let go deliberately, because he's not so psyched about heights. Tara looks rock-solid. Sami notes that it's 28 degrees outside. She asks Kristin how she's doing, and Kristin does not even want to talk to her. Filipe is hunched over holding his rope, and then he and Tara get into some sort of squabbling and everyone tells them to shut the fuck up. Filipe then starts to heckle everyone else, because that's how he rolls. Tara tells him to shut his piehole, and the mention of pie is too much for Ron. He falls. Filipe then starts bouncing around and making the whole contraption shake. Helen wants to punch him in the throat. Tara just thinks he's an idiot. Eventually he falls, which is good riddance. Tara, Helen and Kristin are still in it at 45 minutes. Oh, and then Tara starts running her mouth. At a bit after an hour Kristin falls, leaving Tara and Helen to battle it out for the prize. Helen tries to bargain with Tara to both let go and split the money, and Tara tells her that she's really not going after the money. Mike yells up that Helen can't beat Tara, which is why she's trying to make a deal. Helen tells Mike to be quiet. Helen is hunched over and has about an inch of rope left. She says she really wants to stay there, then says to Tara, "Nothing touches you, does it?" Tara just shakes her head. Good for her. Helen falls, and Tara wins! Steel, dude. Helen is very upset, but Tara is proud of winning when she didn't think she had a shot.

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Biggest Loser

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