Biggest Loser
Cut the Junk

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Panic Room

Previously: The Biggest Loser believes that children are our future. It's planning to teach them (about healthy snacking) well and let them lead the way (on the treadmill). The White Team was one pound short of safety, and Jillian fake-cried when Nate got the boot. But she may have real-cried when she realized her team was down to only two people.

We enter with White Team refugees Danni and Pam kind of freaking out back at the house. They know that things have gotten SERIOUS, and realize that the good and bad news of this whole thing is that they'll get more individualized attention from Jillian. Danni mumbles, "Save us!" in the manner of a woman who now knows true pain.

The next day, the contestants enter a vault of crap food, where Sami awaits them. There's a soda machine and vending machine, along with chicken wings and pizza and orange soda and candy and, like, one giant tub of Crisco for bathing. There are video games and TV in the room, too, because this is the Room of Childhood Sedentary Horrors. Sami says with dismay that the average kid spends 4.5 hours a day watching TV. That is like my DREAM. And when I was an impressionable kid, I spent 4.5 hours a day just on soap operas -- this is why Alison Sweeney will always be Sami to me. And whatever! I'm totally well adjusted! Except for the recurrent scurvy. We get footage of our youth representatives eating crap and watching TV, and then Biingo does tell a rather alarming tale of once playing the same video game for 17 hours straight. At least maybe he wasn't eating?

The best weapon in fighting childhood obesity, says Sami, is knowledge. So today, Sami is going to test what the contestants know. Everyone groans, because they are all dummies. Self-aware dummies, but dummies nonetheless. The team that comes in last is going to spend the week feeling like kids, because they will be LOCKED in the CRAP ROOM for 4.5 hours PER DAY! And, I mean, that actually sounds like a really fantastic vacation. Just what the doctor ordered, in fact! Sorry, I am a terrible role model in the fight against childhood obesity. And anything that has to do with children, really. So, the rules: the teams will be asked five multiple choice questions. Each question is worth 1,000 points, and the team with the fewest points at the end loses. Or wins, really.

The first question is: What percentage of American children aged 2-19 years are obese? I feel it's unfair to lump 19 year olds in with this, given the freshman 15. We get to watch riveting footage of teams trying to figure out the answer, which is 17%. Everyone gets it wrong. And is it just me, or is 17% not even that bad? Go eat Ho-Hos and watch more TV, kids! You're totally fine. Next question: What percentage of overweight children ages 5-10 already have at least one risk factor for heart disease? The answer is 60%. And, okay, maybe this really is a problem. I take it back -- put down that Ho-Ho, Junior. None of the contestants gets this one right, either, which means no one has any points yet. Question 3: According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, what is the biggest single source of added sugar in children's diets? The options are chocolate, fried food, sugar-sweetened drinks, or ice cream. Everyone chooses sugar-sweetened drinks, which is correct. But what else are you supposed to wash down the pizza and bacon fat with?

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Biggest Loser

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