It's time to get inspired! And, as the old saying goes, that will require 99% perspiration on our parts as we frantically start to do crunches or jump rope or something, because watching the success stories of former The Biggest Loser contestants makes us feel really, really lazy, and kind of fat to boot. I have to confess that I've never really watched The Biggest Loser, so as the prospect of weecapping Season 4 looms, I'm looking forward to this crash diet. Er, "course." The gist of it, from the teaser segment, is that the contestants used to be really, really fat. And then they lost a bunch of weight. Kind of dramatically, I guess. On this special, says the voice-over guy, nine former players will face the scale to answer the question on everyone's mind: did they keep the weight off? It might be a liiiiiittle bit of an exaggeration to say that's the question on everyone's mind. The question on my mind right now is, "Stern? Birkhead? NO F'ING WAY!" Maybe that's not really a question, but my brain doesn't have room for anything else right now.
New host of The Biggest Loser Alison Sweeney -- a.k.a. dastardly villainess Sami Brady from Days Of Our Lives -- introduces us and promises stories of babies, love, and weight loss. The poor former contestants have to get up on The Biggest Loser scale to show whether they have been maintaining their fitness regimen or hitting the local Krispy Kreme. Sami tells us that the first contestant we're to be reunited with has some unexpected news for both us and one of the other players here. It's not that unexpected, because the previews showed him asking one of the other former contestants to marry him. Try some spoiler control, The Biggest Loser.
Anyway, this guy is Marty, and he has dropped some serious weight. He used to be a 365-pound sandwich-loving man. He feels a ton better about himself now, and has now become a physical trainer. And do you know what he was before? A high-school teacher. The world really needs fewer teachers and more physical trainers, right? Thanks, Biggest Loser. He also met his teammate Amy on the show, and now they're dating. He's happy as a skinny clam. When he comes out to talk to Sami, he confirms that he's going to be proposing to Amy. Sami coos over the ring, and (I think) gives a product plug in the process. Marty steps up on the scale, and we learn that his current weight is 240. He lost 125 pounds. And I mean, OBVIOUSLY he kept the weight off. The critical flaw in this special is that everyone clearly looks half the size they were before. There's no suspense! They should have made them come out in fat suits just to keep us all guessing.