And...we're back! Thanks for that six minute break, Biggest Loser! This is the season of new trainers, a development about which I am exceedingly skeptical. The intro tells us that the contestants will have to make a choice -- train with Bob and Jillian, or train with the mystery trainers in a secret mystery unknown mysterious location. Either way, it appears, they will encounter beatings. This season will also feature the biggest contestant in Biggest Loser history. That happens every season, doesn't it? This dude is 5'8" and weighs 507 pounds. And then there's Courtney, a youngster who has already lost over 100 pounds. She's been dealt a rough hand, given that her family runs a Dairy Queen as well as a health club. Well, she's about to get a peanut bust-your-ass parfait from Jillian, I'm guessing. And there's the Olympic gold medalist wrestler guy! I'm sure we're going to get all of these montages in detail momentarily, so I'm going to stop with the intro recapping before everything is spoiled.

After the four minute and seventeen second intro (!), we traverse across mountains and land at the ever-depressing Biggest Loser ranch. We are first introduced to father and son team Arthur, 34 and Jesse, 61. Jesse notes that they can't turn back now. And then there's mother and daughter team Irene, 26 and Ana, 49. They're excited. Note they haven't yet busted a sweat. Then there are drag queen sisters Olivia, 34 and Hannah, 31. And aha! I was close with the drag queen thing. Olivia is an opera singer, and tells us that she always gets typecast in the fat sidekick roles. She has big talent, and a big butt. I didn't think that the latter was a deficit in the world of opera. Then there is father and daughter team Moses, 46 and Kaylee, 20. They are wearing spirited yet hideous t-shirts. Moses tells us that people on both sides of his family have died young, and he's at the age when if he doesn't make a change, he too will kick the bucket. And then twins! It's Dan and Don, 54 from Oklahoma City. They're both cops, and probably get a lot of donut jokes.

These teams and others enter the Biggest Loser gym where they meet Sami, and are flooded with memories of contestants flying off of treadmills. 2000 Olympian Rulon, who is 38 and teammates with his friend Justin, also 38, tells us that he's entering another path in his life. It's his turn to put his heart and blood into the elliptical machine, and see what he can accomplish. Sami greets everyone and tells the contestants that they're fighting for their lives. Luckily, they'll have some help along the way -- from Bob and Jillian! Our beloved trainers walk in and hug everyone. Bob recognizes the aforementioned Courtney, 21, who is on a team with her mom, Marci, 49, from when they met over a year ago at the season 7 finale. Courtney has worked her butt off to get on the show, and is thrilled to be here. Bob and Jillian say that meeting the new batch of contestants is like coming home. Bob notes that everyone is so happy now, but haven't had their first workout yet. Too true.

This season, the contestants will do their first weigh-in on campus. How lovely that the powers that be decided to spare them from crowd-gathering public humiliation! Maybe things are looking up after all. The father and son Brown Team, Ken, 48 and Austin, 20, are up first. Ken says that obesity is prevalent throughout his family, and he feels awful that Austin is also so big. Both men also want to be able to fit into movie seats. Austin weighs 396 pounds, while Ken weighs 377. Austin says that all his life he's passed on the blame, but at 20 years old he can't do that anymore. Bob tells us that this is the average American family, which I don't think is quite true. I mean, I know there's an obesity epidemic and all, but really? 396 pounds?

The Aqua Team, Marci and Courtney, are next. Courtney reminds us that she's lost over 100 pounds, so she's not afraid of the scale. Marci weighs 238 pounds, while Courtney weighs 323. That's 561 total pounds. Courtney tells us that she used to weigh 435 pounds, but the bottom line is that she's still the biggest girl in the room. She knows she has a long way to go. Marci is the first person on the show to utter the phrase "pay it forward." Drink! Bob tells us that Courtney is focused and driven, and is a big threat in the house. I'm sure that means that some merry band of assholes will vote her out early. Orange Team Ana and Irene are next. Ana weighs 255 pounds, while Irene weighs 255. That's 510 pounds altogether. Next we have what I believe is the Red Team, husband and wife Larialmy and Q. She totally took all the letters in his name for herself. My TV is unfortunately not wide enough to allow me to see their individual weights, but together they weigh 738 pounds. Yes, now you know my crunk setup. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! Pink Team Sarah and Deni weigh 517 pounds together. Sarah weighs 261 pounds and Deni is 256. I think they're mother and daughter. Deni starts crying and apologizing to Sarah, 26, who says that two months ago she lost another pregnancy because of her weight. She has been trying to get pregnant for two years, to no avail.

Next up are Blue Team Arthur and Jesse. Everyone looks kind of nervous, because of how visibly huge Arthur is. Jesse weighs 293 pounds, while Arthur weighs in at a whopping 507. That's 800 total pounds. Arthur says that a year and a half ago, he weighed 646. Egads! That's Discovery Health Channel big. Jillian tells Arthur that they have nothing but time, and that they already know he can do it. Jesse, who instantly is identified as this season's super-likeable old guy, says that they're going to kick this in the butt. Bob tells us that even though season 9 winner Michael started off at 526 pounds, he was over six feet tall. Arthur is only 5'8", making him the largest contestant the show has ever had. Hopefully he won't be the one who actually dies and causes the show to shut down for good.

Mysterious Green Team members Jay and Jennifer are next, and weigh 400 and 278 pounds, respectively. I think they're father and daughter. Jennifer speechifies, and says that she won't quit until she reaches her goal. At least she didn't say "pay it forward." The Purple Team is Olivia and Hannah. Olivia weighs 261 pounds, while Hannah weighs 248. Gray father and daughter team Moses and Kaylee are next. Kaylee weighs 233 pounds, while Moses weighs 440. Moses is Tongan! The show should just put its campus smack in the middle of the Kingdom of Tonga. I can't understand a word that Moses says, but I think it has something to do with various Tongan teams past.

Next is the Black Team, twins Dan and Don. Seeing them shirtless actually made me shudder involuntarily. So very pasty. They weigh a combined 596 pounds. One is 287, while the other is whatever 596 minus 287 is. Dan/Don says he's tired of being the fat guy, and not having a normal life. He has a wonderful wife and two wonderful children. A few months ago his son, who is so distraught over his obesity, said he wants nothing to do with him. Well, that's kind of fucked up. What a shitty son. I'd throw a bag of Doritos at him and tell him good riddance. The other Dan/Don is motivated by his son Adam, who had a drug problem and died of an overdose at age 24. Dan/Don had lost 100 pounds a month before his son died, but then gained it all back.

With that, only the Yellow Team remains to weigh-in. This is Justin and Rulon. Rulon says that he weighed 286 pounds when he won the gold medal for some kind of fat guy wrestling in 2000. In 2004, his weight class was cut to 265 and he was super lean. Relatively. Rulon now weighs 474 pounds, and Justin, the silent partner, weighs 365. That's 839 pounds, and means that Justin and Rulon are the heaviest team on the ranch. Let's get Justin's opinion on that. Psych! Sami again turns to Rulon, who says that this is horrifying to him and his family and beautiful wife. Sami asks Bob if it's surprising to see a successful athlete in this state. Bob is not surprised, and says that when you're so extreme, you'll go very far to the other side. He knows that Rulon can do anything he sets his mind to, but has so much to learn. And then Justin finally does get to talk. He says that he started watching the show last year, and totally judged the man boobs of some poor 302-pound dude. And here he is with man boobs of his own, weighing 365 pounds. He's going to be a husband, father and citizen that people can be proud of. I actually see why they don't let him talk so much.

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