Biggest Loser

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Unhealthy Choice

Then Sami talks about how hard the first workout is, and how Bob and Jillian are dying to get their hands on the contestants. But everyone's going to have to wait, because instead of working out tonight the contestants will compete in their very first challenge. Let the collapsing begin! Arthur conjectures that a team or two might be going home as a result. Bob and Jillian are dismissed, and everyone else looks kind of worried. The contestants head to their first challenge, which entails colorful treadmills set up outside. Sami says that tonight's challenge will determine who the contestants' trainers will be. Arthur is momentarily relieved. Then, however, Sami notes that change is in the air, and if the contestants think they're choosing between Bob and Jillian, they're dead wrong. Instead, they'll choose either Bob AND Jillian, or "them." A light shines behind two mystery trainers who, in silhouette, look exactly like Bob and Jillian. Maybe this is a Patty/Cathy thing? The poor contestants are all super confused and upset, as if they need more stress.

Sami says that five teams will be training with the new trainers, and six will train with Bob and Jillian. If the contestants decide to train with the new trainers, they'll get immunity... for FOUR WEEKS! Jeebus. I don't know if even I like Bob and Jillian enough to deny that. Of course, the challenge comes into it. Each team has a manual treadmill, and as a team they have to run a 5K. Really, news just keeps getting worse for these folks. Justin says that he's heard of 5Ks, and always wondered who's stupid enough to show up for one of those. Nice. The contestants can take turns however they want, and the order in which they finish determines the order in which they'll choose their trainers. Jesse says that he loves Bob and Jillian, but if he gets the opportunity he's taking four weeks of immunity. Dan/Don, however, think that the so-called "new trainers" are actually holograms or something and that in fact nobody will be training them. They think this because when they turned to look at the new trainers, they didn't see anything. Ladies and gentlemen, your local police force.

The challenge begins! In the first minute, nobody passes out. Victory! Rulon and Justin take off at a good clip, and are the first team to get to a kilometer. Gray and Aqua trail them. Justin goes fast and sweats and gets all red and generally looks like he might have a heart attack. Ditto Rulon. 20 minutes into the challenge, the Yellow Team hits 3K, still followed by Gray, Aqua, and Brown. Soon enough, the Yellow Team is first to hit 4K, and Kaylee from the Gray Team busts into a sprint. It is all to no avail, though. Rulon harnesses his competitive energy and Justin harnesses his piss and vinegar and they finish first. The Gray Team finishes second, the Aqua Team is third, the Green Team is fourth, the Brown Team is fifth, and the Purple Team is sixth. All of these teams will definitely get their own choice of trainers. The Pink Team finishes seventh, Red Team is eighth, Orange is ninth, the Blue Team is tenth, and the Black Team of Dan and Don finish last. However, everyone completed the 5K in under an hour, and no one ended up in the hospital, so that's something.

The teams line up in the order in which they finished in the challenge and get to make their trainer decisions. The Yellow Team says that there's no way they can pass up immunity -- they're going with the unknown trainers. The Gray Team does the same thing! Olivia and Hannah are incensed and shocked. It would be kind of awesome if this was a vintage Let's Make a Deal trick and a big door opens to reveal that the new trainers are a pair of giant rocking horses. Sami is pretty surprised by how things are going, and acknowledges what a hard choice it must be to decide between the beloved all-star trainers and immunity. The Aqua Team is next, and Courtney says that she came here to be challenged, and knows that Bob and Jillian will do that for her. They're sticking with the evil they know. The Green Team have also been tremendously inspired by Bob and Jillian, and join the Aqua Team. The Brown Team goes for the unknown and immunity. The Purple Team clearly is going for Bob and Jillian.

The Pink Team is next, and go for the immunity. There is one spot left with the unknowns. The Red Team takes it. This means that Orange, Blue, and Black go with Bob and Jillian by default. If I were them I'd pretend that I would have chosen them anyway. It might fend off the rage momentarily.

After a commercial break, the six lucky teams meet Bob and Jillian in the gym and explain the situation with the mystery trainers. Bob and Jillian seem kind of surprised, but they had to know about this going in, right? Bob actually wonders what the teams who chose them were thinking, since four weeks of immunity is a giant gargantuan mondo prize. The biggest in Biggest Loser history, in fact! Add this to your at-home drinking game: a shot whenever someone says "in Biggest Loser history." Bob and Jillian's reaction freaks Courtney out, and makes her rue her natural loyalty. Bob tells the contestants that unfortunately, no matter how hard they work, four people are going home in the next four weeks. So from here on out, Bob and Jillian are going to prep them for everything and anything.

With that, it's Bob and Jillian's day one workout! Jillian says she doesn't want to yell, which is a lie. Basically, when she tells someone to do something, she wants them to do it. Not because she yelled, but because she said so. Bob doesn't buy it, either. He says that asking Jillian not to scream is like asking the grass not to grow, and the fish not to swim, and the lions not to roar, and the recapper not to eat cookies to make it through the second hour of this fucking show. Basically, Jillian is always going to yell at people.

Ana of the Orange Team says that she was very nervous, and hadn't been on a treadmill before their challenge. She has bad arthritis in her knees, and doesn't know how she's going to get through it. Arthur is almost 80% body fat, and is going to need a lot of attention. He squats and gets stuck for a minute. Arthur tells us that it's daunting and frustrating to have so far to go. He has to lose 300 pounds, which is the weight of his awesome and adorable father. Jennifer of the Green Team says that she and her dad didn't want to go to the unknown trainers because Bob and Jillian have a proven track record. Also, they will yell at you. Jennifer is sort of scarily intense. I hope Dr. Phillian gets a round with her. Bob tells us that Courtney is a machine. She keeps going and pushing, and does everything that Bob asks. He thinks that Courtney can go all the way. Courtney agrees. She says she wants her competitors to know that if the biggest girl in the house can do it, they can do it too. Jillian screams at Dan/Don that she wants to see agony. I certainly see it.

And then we have our passing out and puking montage! I guess it's a testament to how far we've come that none of these incidents are treated as big emergencies, but rather are just part of an amusing clip package. Jesse interviews, "It just kept going on, and on, and on, and on." Dan/Don says he can't imagine how two unknown trainers can possibly measure up to Bob and Jillian. I'm guessing we're about to find out.

Our cameras travel over the mountains and seas to what is known as "The Unknown Trainers Campus." Oh just tell us who these assholes are already. God. Turns out this campus is at the Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge in Malibu. We see the contestants run, with some sort of drill team guy yelling at them. Mystery Trainer #1 tells us that what sets him apart is his pre-med/science background. Training is a science, he says. Mystery Trainer #2, who is a lady, says that she's a boxer, and has been boxing for ten years. She won the Golden Gloves twice. Having overcome a lot of adversity, she turned to boxing as a way to tackle her problems. She's here to teach the contestants how to fight. All the excuses in the world mean nothi

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Biggest Loser

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