Hello, readers! Instead of telling you what I did today to make me feel proud, I am going to ask -- nay, beg -- for your help. I am having a bit of a clothing moth situation. And by situation, I mean infestation. I basically am losing my mind. The moths picked a fine battle strategy, which was to chew one small hole in every sweater I own while they were in storage. Bitches. Anyway, I threw a bunch of stuff away (my precious cashmere! Nooooooooo!) and am washing the hell out of the rest, but really what I need is 1) a message of hope from someone who has overcome the dreaded moth problem; 2) the exact details of how you did it, so I can do the same. I will be forever grateful. And I swear I'm not disgusting -- I just have too many clothes that I leave in piles in my very dark closet. RIP, cashmere and wool.

We begin with the contestants and Sami walking to a street on campus, where a limo greets them. What? No debrief of the shocking decision to vote off Shay? Maybe it wasn't that shocking after all. And I guess that usually DOES take half an hour, and this is a special 90 minute Biggest Loser. Hmm. Sami tells the contestants that since they've started this journey, they've undergone some remarkable transformations. And now they're heroes to a nation. To that end, each contestant is going to have to give a speech to an audience filled with people longing for inspiration. Liz says, "I'm not very good at speeches." But she sure is good at crotchety rants. Each contestant wants to be the biggest inspiration he or she can be.

Sami has a surprise to help each contestant get ready for speech day. Actually, two surprises: Tim Gunn and Tabatha Coffey! It's makeover week! I love both of these people so very much, but for entirely different reasons. Tim, of course, is the kindly yet insightful mentor we'd all like to have. And Tabatha is just a stone bitch, who can really cut some hair. I love Tabatha's Salon Takeover, if for no other reason than it's fun to guess who's going to a) cry; b) get fired. The contestants are ready for some beautification. Tim tells them that he's set up a boutique in a suite at the Four Seasons. And Tabatha is going to take them to a West Hollywood salon. Rudy needs some damn grooming, and he knows it. He admits he's gotten a bit burly in his time on the show. He is straight up lumberjack at this point.