Biggest Loser
Episode 10

Episode Report Card
Potes: A- | Grade It Now!
Home, Sweets, Home
y am I obsessed with the Olive Garden in this recap? In Aspermont, Texas, Lance and Melissa run together. There are chickens and kittens on their running route! Eeeeee! Melissa and Lance bought gym equipment a few years ago, and now are actually using it. Plus (product placement) they now have a Biggest Loser Wii.

Sunshine still feels weird being one of the bigger people at the gym, but is working on it and impressed by the progress she's made. O'Neal is working like a maniac on the arc trainer, and suddenly cries out in pain. He apparently has knee and hip problems already, but believes that pain is temporary. Sunshine tells him to calm down a bit. His kids are concerned, and despite the fact that he considers himself an iron man, he agrees to hit the low-impact pool. O'Neal tells us, however, that no injury will stop him from getting healthy. In Knoxville, Ashley says that being home is difficult. She hopes that she, and all of her teammates, come back with big numbers. She's all set with sending home members of the Black Team.

After a commercial break, Koli's mom taunts him by making biscuits and gravy with a side of bacon and eggs. And, aha. It turns out that the product placements are going home this week, too, and there's a Biggest Loser app that's compatible only with Verizon Blackberries. Text BL to 8606 for all kinds of mobile health advice. Sam tells his mom to throw away that delicious-looking breakfast, which seems a shame when there are hungry recappers only 3,000 miles away! Ashley and Sherry, meanwhile, go to the Downtown Grill and Brewery in Knoxville with some of their friends. There are all sorts of delicious-looking appetizers on the table. Potato skins! Nachos! Chicken wings! Ashley tells us that all of that delicious food doesn't taste as good as she feels right now, except for maybe the ranch dressing. She orders the ahi tuna with a side of steamed spinach. Her friends talk about how eating is a highlight of the day and a social activity, and Ashley counters that now they can get together and go kayaking or for a hike, and actually live active lives. Ashley says that she feels good since she's paid attention to what she's put in her body, and doesn't want to go back. She really seems to have internalized all the show's messages, in a very positive way. It's a good thing, since she still has, like, 200 pounds to lose.

Drea and her friends, meanwhile, go bowling. To me, bowling means one thing: pitchers of beer. Okay, two things: pitchers of beer and mozzarella sticks. Drea used to love the same things I love, but now realizes that there's pretty much nothing she can order from the bowling alley menu. She tells her friends that a traditional Caesar salad is 1300 calories. They're all shocked. She adds that she doesn't even get that many calories a day. Drea totally wants to crack and have a quesadilla, but remains strong.

In Oklahoma, Daris says that he used to be embarrassed going out in public because he was so insecure about his body. We flash back to Daris at the beginning of the season, and it's really a remarkable change. He totally breaks my heart as he says, in sepia-toned flashback, "I have never had a girlfriend in my life. I have never kissed a girl in my life. I'm not a choice. I'm not an option for girls." Ooooooh! Daris wants to walk someplace with a girl on his arm. Daris, I'll totally be your date! I mean, I'm kind of old, but whatever. We'd have a great time at the All Starz karaoke bar! For real! Daris actually has a karaoke bar date named Randi. He's pleased that he has the confidence to ask someone out.

And, wow. Oklahoma's All Starz karaoke bar looks pretty much exactly how you'd think it would. There is a gentleman -- apparently a friend of Daris's -- wearing a plaid shirt with a clashing backwards plaid baseball cap. Sometimes I think that karaoke bars are actually secret portals to hell. Randi tells us that before Daris left, they strictly had a friendship. Now that he's back, however, he's a lot more confident. Randi knows that he likes her. Daris enjoys ice water at the bar, as he no longer needs liquid courage to get up and sing "Copperhead Road." Which, I may add, is an excellent choice. I can only dream that one day Daris and I will duet on "Islands in the Stream" at All Starz. That is if I can get Randi out of the way first. Speaking of Randi, she's really proud of Daris. If you want to show your real pride, give that curly-headed boy a kiss! Daris is my favorite.

After a commercial break, it's time for the bike challenge. Ashley wins, because she's doing her bike ride in a steakhouse. The others are in various fields, auditoriums, and backyards. Sami pops up to greet everyone and go over some rules. Each contestant has a cell phone under their seat, which they must turn on and hand over to a family member. The family members will all be on the same call and get real-time updates about how the other contestants are doing. Sami tells them not to give up even if someone has crossed the finished line, since the mini-cupcake minutes will come into play.

The race begins! This has to be exceptionally boring for spectators to watch in real time. There are various biking and cheering and updates. It's kind of hard to tell what's going on, until someone announces that Sam and Koli are in the lead. Michael tells us that he has no chance to win, but he does have the chance to finish this, which is enough of an accomplishment. Sunshine bikes like a crazy person. I don't know how she's keeping up that level of intensity, or if we're just seeing the bouncy highlights of her ride. Sam is a machine, and hits the halfway point first. Koli is second, with Lance in third place. Sunshine trails them, and O'Neal gives her the mother of all pep talks. Daris comes on strong and picks up the pace. As things wind down, several contestants are getting tired, but their families, friends and, in the case of Lance, screaming wives, hover around them for support.

Sam finishes first with a time of 1:17:00. Drea feels justified in her cupcake eating by Sam's awesome performance. Koli and Lance are neck and neck, but Koli happily finishes second at 1:18:40. Lance's time is 1:19:01. All very close. In a display of extraordinary will, Sunshine comes in fourth at 1:23:29. O'Neal really knows how to coach/scream. Fifth place belongs to Daris at 1:25:35. He's proud, and glad he got to do this in front of his hometown. Andrea is sixth at 1:36:35. She's followed by Stephanie, at 1:37:05. Stephanie looks happy just to have finished. Ashley is next at 1:40:48. Finally there's Michael, who finishes ninth at 1:41:30. Oh, good for everyone!

Sami congratulates everyone on completing their very difficult challenge, and gets ready to announce who won. She first reveals that 32 cupcakes total were eaten. The non-eaters are shocked and slightly horrified. Stephanie had seven cupcakes added to her time, which puts her in last place. Sam had the most cupcakes added -- ten -- which puts him in eighth place. To his credit, Sam seems to kind of take it in stride. Drea had five cupcakes added to her time, putting her in seventh place. With six cupcakes added to her time, Sunshine is in sixth place. Daris had four cupcakes, which lands him in fifth place. Lance, Ashley and Michael had no cupcakes added to their time. They're currently second, third, and fourth, respectively. The big question is whether anyone ate a cupcake for Koli. If they did, Lance will win. But they didn't! HA! You're telling me that Lance ate seventeen cupcakes and not a one was for Koli? Massive oversight. That's what happens when you're in a sugar coma. Koli is ecstatic, while Melissa gives a gargantuan groan.

With the bike marathon over, the contestants head back to the ranch and are mighty happy to see Bob and Jillian. They get the updates about home life, including some tales of mild slackitude. O'Neal says he likes the regimented, military-like nature of life at the ranch, as opposed to the distractions and temptations of home. Michael says that his mind was on other things while he

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