Biggest Loser
Episode 12

Episode Report Card
Potes: A- | Grade It Now!
Trimming the Fat

Hello friends! Given that it's the holiday season I present to you the following gift: a three-paragraph recap of Christmas in Rockefeller Center, which was on my TV when I tuned in to start recapping The Biggest Loser. Don't say I never gave you anything!

Mariah Carey lip-synced beautifully, but given the cheerleaders onstage and the fact that she's pregnant with quadruplets, we can forgive her. Kylie Minogue killed and skinned the Abominable Snowman and proudly wore his pelt; the singing is best ignored. Boyz II Men still exist and lip sync really well in harmony. Whoever committed the Ashlee Simpson-esque gaffe of playing the Boyz II Men harmony vocals during the beginning of Charice's performance is now fired, and/or really hates Boyz II Men. David Foster is maybe Charice's Rene Angelil, in all senses. Charice is maybe an adorable robot, which makes that last fact slightly less creepy. I don't think she was lip-syncing, but can't say for sure. I mean, someone pushed play for a reason, you know?

Susan Boyle didn't look particularly like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, which I think is progress. Also, leave it to her to rock a boys choir. If NBC had replaced Sheryl Crow with Shelby Lynne, I would have forgiven everything else. Alas, that would not to happen. I actually kind of like Sheryl Crow, but another generic, watery version of "Blue Christmas" doesn't make me happy, and in fact can be that bad. The Katherine Jenkins/Jackie Evancho "Silent Night" duet...well, aside from visually skewing a little Toddlers and Tiaras, it was pretty impressive. Bitches can sing. Fucking Josh Groban. I had to fast forward for the sake of my own dignity. Though full disclosure: I was once in a bell choir. PTSD flashbacks galore, man. I love Annie Lennox more than I can properly explain, and so it especially pains me to say that her performance of "God Rest Ye Gentlemen" scared the shit out of me. I know she had some sort of really bad back injury, so maybe a cornucopia of Vicodin is responsible for her album cover. Shut up, Rockettes.

Jessica Simpson's singing has to make duet partner Petty Officer John Britt want to board the next plane to Afghanistan. It makes me want to board the next plane to Afghanistan. I would like her so much more if she didn't insist on occasionally assaulting my ears in this horrible fashion. She's normally awful, but so much more awful than ever when she sings Christmas songs. The poor Acton family chopped down their tree for this shit. And finally, Al Roker just does not look good skinny. Eat a triple serving of roast beast this year, Al!

Okay, now on to the real weecap! Last week, we learned that Lisa was not the Biggest Loser. Sami tells the contestants that this is their final week on campus, and there's just one hurdle to overcome. Or maybe two. Because at the next weigh-in there will be two lines: yellow and red. Double elimination, bitches! Frado thanks his compatriots for keeping him in the competition, and there are hand slaps all around. Brendan reminds us of the horrible, karma-tempting alliance of himself, Frado and Patrick. He says no matter how much he likes the other remaining contestants, he'll have no problem sending them home. These three assholes congratulate themselves on their spectacular douchebaggery. I mean game playing. Brendan prides himself on the fact that they're beloved by everyone that they intend on screwing, and all three agree that one of them will be the ultimate winner of the show. Boy, do I hope that this is evil foreshadowing.

The contestants head outside to find Sami waiting for them, along with another pretty lady. Turns out it's super gymnast and apparent Subway spokesperson Nastia Liukin. She talks about her crazy training regimen for the Olympics, and how she put a priority on her dreams and goals. Similarly, the contestants have to put a priority on their health. And who better to help them do that but Subway? Subway will give $10,000 to the winner of the upcoming pop challenge, which will be a lot of five dollar footlongs. Today's pop challenge includes five different exercises. After each exercise, one person will be eliminated. They'll start by doing one mile on the StreetStrider, then run for a half mile, then row 1000 meters on the rowing machine, then jump rope 100 times, then climb 500 feet on Jacob's Ladder for the final leg.

The first heat, with the StreetStrider, begins. Frado and Elizabeth duke it out for last place, and it's Elizabeth who is narrowly eliminated. Next heat! Half mile run. Ada, who is fast on her feet, takes a solid lead and easily finishes first. Mark is eliminated. The remaining four contestants move on to the rowing machine, and asshole Brendan tells us that the three guys should win this. I know "asshole Brendan" isn't a particularly clever nickname, but I do find it the most fitting. If he wants a different nickname, he should try being less of an asshole. Sadly, Ada does indeed come in last, and is eliminated. It's too bad, too, because none of the remaining d-bags know how to jump rope. Frado is eliminated next. This means that Brendan and Patrick duke it out on Jacob's Ladder. Brendan takes a sizeable lead, and wins the $10,000. He apparently has a lot of debt, so is happy about the victory. He then tries to reverse his overarching shiteous karma by saying that he'll donate $1,000 to Warriors in Pink. Everyone has a Subway sandwich, though it's unlikely that any are the supremely delicious BMT.

The contestants work out, and Elizabeth tells us that this week she's really giving it her all. She's an underdog, but she thinks she can work it out and surprise some bitches. Bob is pissed because though Brendan thinks he's giving 100%, he isn't. Bob intends to ride Brendan until he is, in fact, giving 100%. Brendan looks annoyed. Good. There is serious working out, lots of sweating, screaming, and the usual.

And hey! Then Jennie-O turkey makes an appearance! It's been too long, old friend. The contestants talk about what they'd do with the $250,000 prize. Brendan tries to win back our love by talking about the inner-city kids that he teaches, and how he wants to start a foundation to be able to take them to places like Fitness Ridge. He starts crying. Still not working. Mark would travel with his father, who was diagnosed with melanoma two years ago and has never had traveling opportunities. We get a flashback to Mark and his adorable father, and then Mark seriously cries as he says that even though his dad is cancer-free now, he doesn't know how much time he has left. Patrick already has a new car thanks to Ada, and so says that he'd pay down a whole lot of debt racked up when he became unemployed. Ada says that she'd like to start an afterschool center to give kids a safe place to develop confidence and get positive reinforcement and support. Especially kids who have whack families, like her own. Frado talks about paying it forward. Why have we not started a "paying it forward" drinking game?

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