Biggest Loser
Episode 12

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This episode wastes no time getting started, and so I won't either. The contestants and trainers head directly to the gym, where Sami awaits them, surrounded by demonic lighting. Everyone knows that some shit is about to go down. Sami says she'll give everyone four guesses as to why they're there, but she thinks they'll only need one. A partition slides away to reveal four differently colored areas, and Sami -- not waiting for any guesses, which is not the right way to play a guessing game -- says that they will be dividing into four teams. That's one team for each trainer, and a final opportunity for Jillian to prove her enduring domination.

There is a set of weights, and each contestant must choose one dumbbell. There will be a color on the bottom of each weight indicating which trainer they'll be with. It's all by chance. The contestants are stressed, and Bob tells them that it's going to be okay. He knows that the idea of taking a trainer away can make some people very uncomfortable, but says that it could bring about a great opportunity. Especially if you're moving from Cara to anyone.

Justin, who is the person with the highest percentage of weight lost, is first to choose, and winds up on the Red Team with Brett. He feels like he won the lottery. Jen is next, and is gunning for Jillian. She also ends up with Brett, and says that, given the fact that Justin is also kicking butt, they could be a really strong team. Moses is next, and actually wants Cara. He likes the boxing, and says that Cara has been his life saver. He grabs a Blue weight, and goes with Bob. Since Bob has worked with all the Tongans past, Moses is okay with that. Bob admits that he's Tongan, and everyone is happy that he doesn't try to do a traditional dance. Austin grabs a green weight, and is thus with Cara. Irene is next and gets a Blue weight, and so goes with Bob. Rulon is the first to choose a Black weight. Jillian cracks up about this, and gleefully tells Rulon that she's going to beat the shit out of him.

Olivia is next, and becomes a member of the Blue team. She's happy to have Bob, but acknowledges that it's hard to be separated from her sister. Still, she says, they're both strong and are going to succeed either way. Hannah winds up going to the Black Team with Jillian. Hannah thanks Jesus for Jillian, even though training with her means that she'll be seeing the Lord sooner than she wants to. See, Jillian's training methods bring you closer to Jesus. Through death, but still. Ken is next and chooses Green. He's happy to be with Cara and Austin. Courtney chooses Red and goes with Brett, which does not please her. Finally, Kaylee picks. She really wants to stay with Cara, and does. She's very relieved to have chosen a green weight.

So, the teams shake out as such. Cara's Green Team is Austin, Ken and Kaylee. Brett's Red Team is Justin, Jen and Courtney. Bob's Blue Team is Irene, Moses and Olivia. Jillian's Black Team is Hannah and Rulon. Yes, that's right, Jillian's team only has two players. Do you think some shenanigans might be afoot? I do. Sami says that there are no more players to choose...except for the ones who left. Jen instantly starts sobbing about the possibility of Jay coming back. Jillian is very excited about this twist, and says that there are a lot of people who are very deserving of a second chance.

Rulon and Hannah bear the responsibility of choosing who to bring back to the Black Team, with some consultation from Jillian. Everyone else leaves, and speculates on who they might choose. Jay and Arthur seem to be the frontrunners of public opinion. Hannah is on the Arthur train, arguing that he's the one who needs to be there most. Rulon says that you make your bed, and lie in it. And then you order a pizza every day. He's looking for a person with the dedication and determination to change their lives, and would like to bring back Jay. They ask Jillian what she thinks. She says that Arthur is useless on the challenges, but you can rip two pounds a day off of him. Jay is a strong choice if they want a winning team, but he could win the whole show, which they probably don't want. They've made a decision, but we're not going to find out what it is until the challenge.

Bob takes his Blue Team to Crunch, where he has worked for years teaching classes and as a trainer. They take a spinning class with Bob. I imagine the music is excellent. The class is full of regular Crunch members, and Olivia says it's a different experience than the "fatties on a spin bike" atmosphere of the ranch. Moses, who isn't as experienced on the spin bike as the girls are, is quite possibly about to have a stroke. With Bob's urging, he keeps pace, and he gets applause from the rest of the group. Moses notes that he's still weak at cardio, and there's nobody better to get him in cardio shape than Bob. He thinks it might be a blessing that he landed on the Blue Team.

Jillian takes her tiny duo of a team to her Malibu beach house, which is very cool. She tells us that the place is her sanctuary, and is incredibly Zen. There's totally a colorful fish flag flapping around behind her as she does her interviews. I never thought of Jillian as the colorful fish flag type, but I have to say that I like it. Maybe she also has a framed needlepoint hanging inside, though it would probably read, "Until you faint, puke or die." Lest Rulon and Hannah think they're just going to relax at Casa de Jill, they are led to the patio where a workout awaits. Their first order of business is to jump up on a bench. Hannah hates this type of exercise, and doesn't think she can hop like a Jillian-esque bunny rabbit. And side note, Jillian would make the WORST Easter bunny. Who wants to wake up and find whey protein and a 4-day cleanse in their Easter basket? Jillian hounds Hannah until she jumps, successfully, and then tells her to stop saying that she can't because it pisses her off. Jillian shows Rulon that she knows how to box too, and has her trainees crawl like crabs in the sand while she hangs on them. Hannah is aghast that Rulon's crack is showing, which seems like an appropriate reaction. In Rulon's own words, Jillian rides him like an animal. It may or may not look like there is some buttfuckery occurring.

Jillian sends Hannah off on a jog so she can talk to Rulon and figure out what his deal is. She asks about his personal life, and he tells her about that wife that he love so much. (He briefly mentions that there have been multiple wives, but doesn't elaborate.) His wife tried to do whatever she could to help him get healthy, but he ate to fill a void in his life. Jillian asks what that void was, and Rulon says it was true love. Even after he was married to his current wife, he still doubted it, and eventually became embarrassed to even be intimate with her. He knows that it's about him seeing that he's worthy, and acknowledges that he's sabotaged things so far. Jillian tells him that he has to find a way to feel worthy.

Brett takes his Red Team on a hike slash run. The hills are alive with the sound of grunting. Brett tells Justin, Courtney and Jen that he wants them to go stand by themselves for a moment or two and reflect upon why they're really there. Courtney thinks about where she was a little over a year ago, when she felt so deep in a hole that she could never get out. Now she's almost lost 200 pounds, and can see the surface. Jen says that before she came to The Biggest Loser, strong was just a word. Now it takes on a whole different meaning, and she's been pushed to do things she never thought was possible. Justin says it's overwhelming to realize that after 12 weeks he's a different person. He's become satisfied and grounded with who he is, and says it's great to become the person he's always wanted to be. He cries a little, and says that he feels like a better person inside too. It's cool to admit that you're special, he says, and Charlie Sheen agrees. Justin adds that he appreciates having this moment. They have a group hug, and Brett notes that the emotional stuff is way harder than the physical.

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