Biggest Loser
Episode 12

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And hey! New product placement! Progresso Soup, light version. Did you know they make a ton of those light soups? Soup makes Rulon feel warm inside! I have to say that I think the Progresso quality has really gone downhill lately. I used to eat it all the time, but now the chicken broth is like sludge. Why is it so gluey? The tomato soup is okay only if you have a grilled cheese to dunk into it, which I'm sure is not what Jillian recommends for a healthy low-cal meal.

Cara takes her team to a boxing gym so everyone can beat the crap out of each other. She reminds us that Kaylee gained two pounds last week and is under the microscope, but says that she's going to fight this week. Austin, who has really gotten the short shrift with the camera time this season, suits up and takes on some scary drunk guy from the gym. Cara tells him to let the fear motivate him. These guys seem to be throwing some real punches, as Cara directs Austin from out of the ring. This show is too cheap to buy the rights to the Rocky theme, but Austin prevails, by which I mean he is not bleeding from anywhere visible.

With that, it's challenge time. It's also the time when we learn which eliminated player will return to campus as part of the Black Team. Rulon and Hannah went with Jay, which makes me a little sad. I was really hoping to see Arthur wobble down that path and back into our lives. We are reminded how Arthur did Jay wrong, which I guess makes me feel a little better about the situation. Sami tells Jay that he'll have immunity this week, and that his weight won't count for the Black Team's total percentage.

So, here's how the challenge will work. Each team has a pulley with all the weight they've lost so far. That weight is hanging over a tank of water. Their job is to hold onto it for as long as they can, because as soon as they let go the tank will smash and their flame will be put out. This means that they'll be out of the competition. The last surviving flame wins. The members of the winning team will each get a video chat with their folks at home.

The challenge begins. If you think watching people stand around holding a rope is exciting, this challenge is for you. After ten minutes, all of the teams are still holding tight, though it's getting harder. People's whole arms start cramping. The Green Team calls it first, and are out. After a half hour, the others are all still in the game. Rulon has some shoulder problems and asks his team if they'll let go three times before they agree. They're out. At 45 minutes in, the teams are only allowed to use one hand. Justin freaks out for some reason and decides that he's going to let go of his rope, leaving Courtney and Jen to hold it. Somewhat mysteriously he says, "At first I wanted to pout and throw a fit, but I was better than that, you know. I had two strong women that hadn't let me down yet. You know. And now it's time just to go be their coach." What is he even talking about? They haven't let YOU down? You let go! Get the fuck out. Is it just me, or is he maybe drunk? You wouldn't think it was possible, but then you listen to him. Moses next lets go, and the Blue Team loses it. Thanks to Courtney and Jen, the Red Team has won. They owe their victory to Justin's coaching, I'm sure.

Back at the ranch, the Red Team tells the Blue Team members that they want to give them their video chats. This leads to a big lovefest, and tributes to the enduring generosity and selflessness of the Blue Team. Yes, they are heroes for our time. Olivia talks to her hubby and cries about the fact that she's hit a wall over the past few weeks. This would normally be the time where she gives up, but she's been trying to persevere. He's lovely and supportive about the whole thing. Moses talks to his wife and daughter and cries like he's John Boehner. Moses says that this is a tough week for him. He wants to start his life again, and isn't sure he wants to be on the ranch anymore. Moses' wife says that she misses him terribly, but she thinks he's better off if he stays. She tells him that he's not a quitter, and that they need him to be the best he can be. Moses realizes that she's right, and that he has to tough it out. It's sweet that he loves her so much, even if it might be in a co-dependent way.

Last chance workout! Times four! Brett does some MMA with his people outside. Courtney is new to train with Brett, and says that this change-up in her workout routine is the best thing that could have happened to her. Cara has the Green Team do some weird shit, like beat on a stuffed dude-shaped pillow. Jillian and Bob have a tug o' war against Rulon. He puts up a good fight, and even though he ultimately succumbs to their collective powers, he's happy because it was good exercise all around. Jillian takes credit for the trainers' win, which Bob thinks is typical. FYI, networks, I would totally watch a reality show that was all about Bob and Jillian going on a road trip and, like, volunteering on organic farms or whatever. Or co-parenting a child. Whatever! They are so great together.

Kaylee, meanwhile, has had a moment. She found confidence this week, and feels stronger than she's ever felt. Cara asks if her reasons for being there are changing, and then there are a series of extreme close-ups, and then Kaylee says that she's found her voice, and her voice is telling her that she's done on campus. She tells us that she's so close to her goal weight, and has found what she's been looking for emotionally. She wonders what else there is for her. Cara, whose comprehension skills are questionable (all those right hooks to the head!), says that Kaylee will fight it out to the very end and whatever happens will happen. Kaylee is like, "Uhhhh...sure." Cara tells us that she finishes a fight to the end and so should the contestants. Kaylee says that she spent 20 years not knowing who she is, and now that she has the tools she needs to succeed and take life by the horns, she wants to do it. You can't wait another month?

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