Well folks, here we are. After what seems like an eternity, this show is finally going to be over. For, like, a minute, until the next season begins. Why will you not give me a real hiatus, Biggest Loser?

Hey! Sami is looking fly on this live finale. She enthusiastically tells us that we're about to see some spectacular transformations. Hopefully this will entail personality transplants for a few of the contestants. Someone is going to win $250,000 tonight and become the tenth Biggest Loser. But, Sami says, all of the contestants have already shown us that this show isn't only about what you get out of it -- it's what you put into it. Cue montage. Eight months ago, in seven different cities, twenty-one people were desperate enough to believe this show was the only way they could change their lives. There were tears and moving speeches. There were screaming trainers. There was grunting and sweating. There were camouflage outfits during Marines week. There was cheesy inspirational music. There continues to be cheesy inspirational music.

And now we're down to the final four! There's Patrick, a young father of two who wants to be around for his family and who is sometimes nice and sometimes shitty but more or less gets away with it because he's poor and jobless. There's Frado, the dedicated family man who doesn't want to be a burden to his loved ones any longer, and who also walked the fine line between douchey and affable on a regular basis. There's Elizabeth, who in no fucking way should be in the final four, given that she was in the bottom two a million times. A million times in only twelve episodes. You do the math. And then there's Ada, our last hope for a just world. Her parents treated her shitty, but she somehow came out awesome. Ada, we love you! Frado and Patrick made it into the final three on their own merits, and then we, the Americans, had to vote on whether to send Ada or Elizabeth to compete with them. If Elizabeth wins, I'm moving to Canada.

Sami introduces the Biggest Loser scale, which is appropriately gussied up for the evening. And then it's time to bring out Ada and Elizabeth and find out who is moving forward to the final three. Ada the Terminator is first on stage, and girl looks fly. We see new, skinny Ada next to hologram old hefty Ada. Current Ada looks awesome in part because she's not totally emaciated. She looks muscular and athletic and glowing and healthy. I hate when the contestants show up to the finale looking like they just escaped from the camps. Sami asks Ada how things have shaken out with her family. Ada says that she knows a lot of people were concerned about her and wanted to make sure that she felt like her parents loved her and were proud of her, and that the conversation during the marathon episode was a real turning point. Her parents are very supportive now, she says, and they understand that she needs more than a pat on the back. If it weren't for Biggest Loser, she says, she probably wouldn't have had the courage to face this issue. Well that's good. Ada's mom wipes away a tear in the audience and smiles. Ada thanks her family for being patient with her and allowing her to say what she needed to say and take this journey.

Then it's time for Elizabeth to emerge. She looks good, though she's wearing a particularly poufy dress, perhaps to hide some excess poundage. But she's a pretty lady, despite all of the parts of her that are so frustrating. In part, it's not even her own fault since if it weren't for the incessant support of Brendan, Frado and the other big douches she would likely have been gone in episode three. Sami and Elizabeth spoke earlier, and Sami says that Elizabeth's journey is a bit different from some of the others. It's not about coming in first, it's about finishing. Elizabeth says that after the marathon she went home with a newfound strength and determination. Though she's not Ada the Terminator, she's working hard and making a lifestyle change. Well, good for her.

And then finally it's time for Sami to reveal how we as a nation have voted. First, of course, there is a commercial break. And then there is dramatic music and lighting. And then Sami tells us that the overwhelming winner of America's vote is Ada! Hooray! Really, it couldn't be any other way. Well done, fellow countrypeople! Ada gets to head backstage again, and totally doesn't know how to get there. Live TV! Full of excitement! Elizabeth gets to take a seat onstage, where she'll get to kibitz with the other at-home prize contenders.

Before the other contestants come out, Sami introduces our favorite trainers, Bob and Jillian! Oh, ladies, Jillian is looking especially fly. Except maybe for that weird square bouffant ponytail. But she's wearing a white suit that screams "Baby dyke on vacation in Boca," in a good way. Bob is wearing a tux and also looks great. Sami asks Bob what he's learned from the contestants over all these seasons. He says that they always remind him that he loves his job. They also exemplify triumph of the spirit in full effect. Sami then asks Jillian if there's a moment in this season that stands out for her. She says that Ada's reconciliation with her family was deep, and shows that with courage, love and communication skills any reunion is possible. So true, and yet that square bump in her head is killing me. I also must take a moment here, because Sami did not mention it, to lament the highly lamentably news that Jillian is leaving the show after next season. Whatever are we to do? But good for her for, you know, wanting a life and all. And Jillian, if you need some help with the baby making, give me a call! I've got a lot of ingenuity, and a few ideas for how to get started.

And then it's time to bring out some at-home contenders! This is the best part. Adam is out first, and holy smokes, girl! He is skin-nay. Allie comes out next. She was first to be sent home, but clearly they could not lead with her because she has not lost any weight. I mean, she's lost some, but not at-home loser amounts. It must be the worst day of reckoning to have to show up at the live finale and still be kind of big. Then there's Tina, who is dressed like a glittery sausage. I don't really remember any of these people except Adam.

Speaking of Adam, Sami tells the ladies to give it up for his fine self. She tells Adam that after his at-home piece on his elimination episode, in which he was clearly on the path from chunk to hunk, every girl she knew asked about him. But what she really wants to talk to him about is the most important lady in his life -- his deceased mom. Adam gets choked up and says that she's been a blessing to all who have known her, and without her blessing he wouldn't be here tonight. He talks some more and doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but looks good while doing so. Tina is a grandmother, and also has a daughter who she wants to support. Said daughter is sitting in the audience, and has lost 115 pounds so far! Good for her. Tina looks really pretty. Sami doesn't even ask Allie any questions, but dismisses the contestants to get changed backstage and ready to weigh in.

And then, wait, what? Sami says that there's a very special surprise about next season. Which starts January 4. Sigh. For the first time since The Biggest Loser began, we're going to be joined by two new trainers. Gah! And they're here tonight. Boy, do I hate change. I don't know who these people are but already I despise them. One of next season's contestants is also an Olympic gold medalist! There has never been a competitor quite like him, says Sami. His name is Rulon, and he won the gold medal in Greco-Roman wrestling. Now, he's very big and very sad.

Before the contestants come back to weigh-in, we catch up with a few of the contestants who didn't make it on the show. Shanna lost 51 pounds at home, Montina lost 64 pounds, Sandy has lost 50 pounds, and Corey has lost 84 pounds. Well

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