Tonight, on the one millionth episode of The Biggest Loser: things are very dramatic. Last week Courtney left, doomed to a life of Dairy Queen blizzard proximity and motivational speaking. And Brett left too! Does his name have one T or two? No one may ever really know. Sami tells the contestants that she has another surprise for them: for the next two weeks they'll race down mountains, sail the high seas, swim through white water rapids, and jump into their new lives. They're going to New Zealand! I've been to New Zealand and it's really quite amazing. You can climb a glacier, hike in a rainforest, and sunbathe on the beach all in, like, one afternoon. Also: sheep. The contestants check in for their Air New Zealand flight, and learn that someone has the opportunity to upgrade to premium economy. More leg room, bigger TV, fine dining, etc. It really does take a long-ass time to get to New Zealand. The flight attendant asks how tall the Sky Tower in Auckland is. The contestant whose guess is closest wins. The correct answer is 1076 feet, and Austin is the winner. Everyone else settles into economy, while Austin eats, like, greenery in his spacious seat.

With that, the contestants are in New Zealand. It's gorgeous, and Sami is dressed accordingly. She tells the contestants that four months ago they were large and not in charge. But now, the nine of them have lost a combined 1020 pounds and are looking quite fly. Moses says that his Tongan father took a trip to Auckland to get more education, and what he learned brought his family to the United States. It's exciting, in a very boring way. Sami tells the contestants, who are standing on a giant hill, that they are staring at the city of Auckland as well as the Sky Tower, which is the highest structure in the southern hemisphere and the site of their very first adventure. They head back to the Sky Tower, where Cara awaits them. She invites them to go to the top of the Sky Tower. There's an elevator, but of course these crackers must use the 1027 steps to the top. Olivia assures us that they are steep stairs, and not at all like the stairs that you find at the mall. Those are escalators, honey. Hannah tells us that she's transformed into one of those annoying people in your office building who always uses the stairs, and it feels good.