Biggest Loser
Episode 15

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Go Down, Moses

Tonight, on the one millionth episode of The Biggest Loser: things are very dramatic. Last week Courtney left, doomed to a life of Dairy Queen blizzard proximity and motivational speaking. And Brett left too! Does his name have one T or two? No one may ever really know. Sami tells the contestants that she has another surprise for them: for the next two weeks they'll race down mountains, sail the high seas, swim through white water rapids, and jump into their new lives. They're going to New Zealand! I've been to New Zealand and it's really quite amazing. You can climb a glacier, hike in a rainforest, and sunbathe on the beach all in, like, one afternoon. Also: sheep. The contestants check in for their Air New Zealand flight, and learn that someone has the opportunity to upgrade to premium economy. More leg room, bigger TV, fine dining, etc. It really does take a long-ass time to get to New Zealand. The flight attendant asks how tall the Sky Tower in Auckland is. The contestant whose guess is closest wins. The correct answer is 1076 feet, and Austin is the winner. Everyone else settles into economy, while Austin eats, like, greenery in his spacious seat.

With that, the contestants are in New Zealand. It's gorgeous, and Sami is dressed accordingly. She tells the contestants that four months ago they were large and not in charge. But now, the nine of them have lost a combined 1020 pounds and are looking quite fly. Moses says that his Tongan father took a trip to Auckland to get more education, and what he learned brought his family to the United States. It's exciting, in a very boring way. Sami tells the contestants, who are standing on a giant hill, that they are staring at the city of Auckland as well as the Sky Tower, which is the highest structure in the southern hemisphere and the site of their very first adventure. They head back to the Sky Tower, where Cara awaits them. She invites them to go to the top of the Sky Tower. There's an elevator, but of course these crackers must use the 1027 steps to the top. Olivia assures us that they are steep stairs, and not at all like the stairs that you find at the mall. Those are escalators, honey. Hannah tells us that she's transformed into one of those annoying people in your office building who always uses the stairs, and it feels good.

The contestants make it to the top and have a great panoramic view of Auckland. Ken is afraid of heights, but manages not to faint for the time being. Bob greets the contestants and tells them that there are two ways to get down from the Sky Tower. They can either take the hard way -- heading back down the stairs -- or the easy way. He has a volunteer to show them how the easy way is done. It's Jillian! She's dangling from the building! After screaming that this is a bad idea, she drops really far, really fast, and Ken looks like he wants to throw up. Jillian manages to survive, which seems like quite a feat. Bob screams that she was freaking out, and invites the team members to decide their exit strategy. Unfortunately for Moses and Rulon there is a weight limit of 280 pounds to the scary way down, so they will have to take the stairs. Ditto for Jay, who has a heart condition. Moses is disappointed about the situation. Everyone seems gung ho on the scary cable drop, except for Ken. He says that his greatest fear is heights, and he has no desire to overcome it. Bob sympathizes, since he's afraid too. But he tells Ken that if he does it, Bob can do it too. Bob is hoping that Ken will say no, but Ken says that he'll try it. Now is the time for them to get really drunk, but not in a pukey way.

Hannah is up first for the big drop, and does not seem scared in the slightest. Bob says, "That's real...unnatural." Olivia is next and screams a lot, as befits an opera singer. The contestants peel off the building one after the other, until finally it's time for Bob and Ken to jump. Their collective hearts are racing. Jillian assures us that Bob's biggest fear on the planet, except for aging, is heights. Bob and Ken each hope the other will back out, but it's not happening. OR IS IT? No, it's not! Bob jumps, and gives a very mellow but terrified scream, and lands safely on the ground. Jillian gives him a big hug, as Bob falls to the ground and says that his legs aren't working. If Ken doesn't go now, Bob will ruin his life. Austin tells us that Ken has changed seats in a baseball stadium due to his fear, so this is a big deal. Ken is wavering, and wishes that he was too fat to do this. Bob tells us that Biggest Loser is about facing your fears head on and jumping over them, and Ken does just that. He is too terrified to even scream, and lands with a relative level of dignity at ground level. Bob gives him a giant hug, and everyone celebrates the fact that the two of them are still alive. Jillian tells Ken that he's bad-ass, and Ken talks about how much he appreciates Bob jumping with him and the fact that neither one of them is dead.

Bob talks to Moses about his New Zealand history. Moses says that his grandparents saved up all of their money to send his dad to New Zealand for his education. Moses can only imagine how happy his dad would be to see him in New Zealand. Bob breaks all of the Biggest Loser rules for the first time in the show's history to allow Moses to use his phone to call his dad. His dad honestly doesn't seem all that excited. He's like, "Yeah, it's totally pretty. Now can I get back to watching General Hospital?"

The contestants meet with a guy named Eric, who explains that they'll be on a hybrid racing yacht. Everyone straps on a lifejacket, and Eric instructs them in how to raise a sail. They do it, and then have to race another boat. A calorie burn happens, and I guess they also win the non-race that they are competing in. Some very triumphant music plays as everyone takes in the moment. Kaylee is totally glad that she didn't defect from campus a few weeks ago. Hannah tells us that she feels like she's living a new, truly amazing life, in which kiwi plays a prominent part.

After a commercial break, Ken tells us that he wants to talk to Cara because he has concerns about their training and diet. Jillian reminds us that traveling, historically speaking, is terrible for weight loss, so she intends to beat her team members like always. Jillian and Bob work with their folks, while Cara gets a bad feeling about something going on with the Green Team. Ken notes that he has a problem, and Cara wants to get it out in the open. He says that he needs more guidance from her about what he should be doing, particularly with the few injuries that he has. Cara tells him that she's done nothing but work with him from day one, and now he's one of the final nine contestants. Considering his injury, she thinks that his weight loss last week was fine. Ken, however, says that Bob and Jillian have a level of expertise that no one else has due to the fact that they've been doing this for so damn long. Cara is totally offended, and tells Ken that he's welcome to jump ship. She yells and cries that she's done nothing but fucking work for him, and that he's had amazing weight loss training with her. She adds that Brett lost three weeks in a row, and that she thinks her method works just fine thank you very much. Wow, I'm glad she didn't take that in a defensive manner at all.

Jillian notices that Cara and Ken are having it out, so invites Kaylee and Austin to train with her for the moment. Are we going to get to see Jillian and Cara have it out? It's really what we've been waiting for all season. Meanwhile, Ken tells Cara that he needs someone to get in his face and tell him what he needs to do. Cara says that if he wants someone to get in his face, that's no problem. She has no problem with torture. Ken tells us that he questions whether Cara has the expertise to take their team to the finish line, even though she has the heart and desire. And really, that's totally legit. I'd totally defect if I were him.

Meanwhile, Bob and Jillian have their team membe

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