Original, supersized Michael, Ashley, Koli, and Daris step out on a stage together, each of them looking like they just walked off the spaceship at the end of WALL-E, and we hear someone saying the changes they've made are spectacular. Then there's a flash of light, and my God, those four large people have turned into one svelte woman! Oh, no, it's just Sami, welcoming us to the live finale. Wait, I agreed to cover the finale? Well, I guess that's what I've done today to make me feel proud. After the titles, Sami says 22 people started the competition, and tonight one of them will be crowned the Biggest Loser. Or maybe pantsed the Biggest Loser, I don't know. I might have finale fatigue at this point.

Cue the montage of the original 22 contestants stepping on the scales at the beginning. Montage of punishing, screaming workouts that's more harrowing than war footage and has a lot more flesh flying around. Various moments of triumph. And as the final four step back up, in the new and improved shapes we saw them in at the end of their time on campus, the announcer says more than 2,500 pounds have been lost. One at a time, we see them morphing back into their own selves, which seems a little mean; Michael, the biggest Biggest Loser contestant ever; Ashley, the daughter who wanted to make her father proud; Daris, the 25-year-old virgin; and Koli, who also feared he'd never find love. "In their last week on campus, the heaviest man and the heaviest woman secured their place in the final three," the announcer says. Then America voted between Koli and Daris, which I totally forgot to do, and one of those four will be the Biggest Loser. Amazing how much motivation people can generate in themselves when that title is what's waiting for them at the end.

Back in the studio, marching-elephant music accompanies the rolling of the giant scale out on stage. Sami says the 19 eliminatees will compete for the $100,000 At-Home prize, and one of the finalists will win the $250,000 grand prize and the Biggest Loser title. We again hear that Michael and Ashley are a lock for the final two, while America had to vote last week when Daris and Koli landed below the yellow line. But obviously we're not going to find out which of them survived that vote this early on; Sami has to trot out the two sub-yellow finalists first.