Patrick, 27 from Vicksburg, Mississippi understates, "I am sweating profusely." Bob asks Patrick how he got to be 27 years old and over 400 pounds, and Patrick says that he met his wife and got comfortable. And, soon enough, uncomfortable in airplane seats. Patrick has two sons who are four and two years old, and Bob wants him to make them proud. Tina, 58, is from Boring, Oregon but is not herself boring. To wit, she totally flies off the treadmill and hits her shoulder and ribs. She gets back on after a few minutes, saying that falling off the treadmill was her biggest fear. The others give her a round of applause, and really it must be a relief to get your biggest fear out of the way so soon. Tina looks around at all the youngsters in the gym, and tells us that she has something to prove.
Rick, a 54-year-old physical therapist, looks like he's going to die, and Bob uses him as an example to show us how tough the day one workout is. Rick had to stop working out because he was about to pass out. Good Lord. Elizabeth is wheezing and gasping for breath, which also can't be good. Bob looks at her really intensely and gets all weird when he's talking to her. The physical and mental torture inflicted by the trainers is starting to be less funny and more grody.
And speaking of grody, Dr. "Death" Huizenga is on site to grim reap the contestants into submission. Lisa meets with him first and is forced to see her own saggy stomach in close-up. She has cholesterol problems and plaque inside her blood vessels. That is bad. And what's even worse, Lisa smokes. And then Dr. H. says, "We have a way of trying to put together all these risk factors that you have -- family history, cholesterol, the effects of the weight and the cigarettes -- and we've put it together in a "Biggest Loser know your numbers" score based on... whatever science that we have... to try to predict how much longer you're gonna live." Okay, let me reiterate: "whatever science that we have." That sounds super technical and accurate and precise, doesn't it? Why not just say, "We tabulated your numbers in our hoodoo machine!" I feel like I'm rapidly turning on this show, and my biggest indicator is the fact that I'm not even interested in making out with Jillian anymore. I'm going to go eat a brownie in protest.
In any case, the Biggest Loser Know Your Number science tells us that while Lisa's biological age is 31, her inner age is 62. Dr. H. gives her a serious talking to and asks if she wants to live. She says yes and he yells, "Well you're not acting like it!" When did he turn into someone's mean dad? And ha! Lisa asks if it's reversible. It is, but as Dr. H. says, "It's not reversible if you don't kick some serious ass!" Seriously, this show does not need to get MORE dramatic.