What have I done today to make me feel proud? Well, I just read this story about how Mackenzie Phillips boned her own father. Everything else is just gravy. That I will never eat because I've lost my appetite for life. Can you pass the brain bleach, please?

Anyway, last week Julio and Alexandra fell below the yellow line, and Alexandra was sent home because people with kids always get the sympathy votes. Coach Mo really isn't feeling the whole "sending people home" part of this game. Shay thinks it's bullshit that Alexandra was sent home instead of Julio, and it kind of is. Generally, everyone is all torn up about having to eliminate someone, but would be wise to: 1) get strategic; and 2) get used to it. Sami sympathizes, and then says she has a proposition for them. Dan lets loose with a hopeful, "Oh boy!" Sorry, buddy, but tonight is not destined to be the night when you become a man. Sami says that at the next weigh-in the contestants will have the opportunity to keep everyone above the yellow line and guarantee that everyone will get one more week on campus. It works like this: the goal at the next weigh-in is for all 15 players to lose a combined total of more than 150 pounds. If they do this, no one gets eliminated.

Sean, the gloomy Gus with the lady's haircut, says that no way are they going to be able to do this. Week two is notorious for being the hardest time to lose weight, as evidenced by seasons past. And the stakes are high. If the contestants do not lose their combined 150+ pounds, TWO people will go home. Frankly, I am kind of rooting for the season to be shorter. Let's go week two curse! Back at the house, everyone caucuses. And cries. Julio thanks everyone and says that he won't squander this second chance. Coach Mo drops some wisdom on the group and says that years of coaching have learned him one thing, and that is the need for a game plan. He thinks that they need to: 1) stick together as a team; 2) employ Dan as an expert in second week weight loss, since he's been through it before; 3) enjoy a Coach Mo mental workout to get them in the right mindframe. Yes, folks, Dr. Phillian has some competition. Dan reminds us that last season he lost 30 pounds in the first week, and three in the second. Coach Mo tells Julio that he owes them all, and basically needs to lose 147 pounds this week. Sounds like a good strategy to me.

The next day, the contestants work out in the gym. Bob and Jillian see with some surprise that Julio survived the elimination. They give the contestants a talk about the week two blues. The contestants then tell the trainers about the 150+ pound challenge for the week. Bob snits that this is a tall order for week two, while Jillian suggests just sending two people home right now. Bob keeps half the crew in the gym for a workout, while Jillian takes the other half for a lesson in nutrition. We toggle back and forth between the two in sort of a crazed manner, which is good for inducing a calorie-burning seizure. Danny starts crying in the gym and Bob very calmly, yet very ominously, promises to kick his ass like this every single day. It is perhaps as effective as a Jillian beat-down, yet with 100% fewer curse words!

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