Welcome to week two of the biggest ever Biggest Loser! What have I done today to make me feel proud? Um, does getting my money's worth at the Indian buffet count? Right on cue, Jillian screams. So I guess that's a no.

A little deer nibbles grass at the ranch. Let's hope that deer is wearing a Bodybugg™. To the elliptical with you, flabby Bambi! We check in with John, who has lost the other half of his half ton gimmick -- his twin brother, James. It's tough for John to be by himself, but he's grateful to still be on the ranch. And without further ado, we head to the gym. Does this mean that someone's going to pass out and/or die? Jillian tells us that week two on The Biggest Loser is notoriously tough. The body is in a lot of shock, and there's some rebounding and plateauing. So what do you do? Well, according to Jillian you do the same thing you do every other week -- beat the hell out of them. And so the beatings continue. There is groaning aplenty. Bob agrees that the intensity has to be kept at the same level as week one. It's not for the weak-minded or the weak of heart. Stephanie explains to us that week two brings a whole new collection of body aches. I'm exhausted and sore just from making Ramen noodles for dinner, which is how I know this show isn't for me. Also, I don't weigh 400 pounds.

Bob decides to work with largest-contestant-ever Michael. Jillian explains that she and Bob are the "alley-oop" this season -- one of them sets up the shot, and the other slam dunks it. I don't know what this means, other than Bob is making Michael cry and blow snot bubbles out of his nose. Michael tells Bob that he's always been two steps forward, three steps back with his weight. If he'd been doing all that stepping, I don't think he'd have gotten up to 536 pounds. Michael explains that he's closer to death than to finding love, and is glad to be at the ranch. Bob interviews that Michael needs a cheerleader. And Bob's always looked good in a flouncy skirt, so there you go. Michael gives Bob a big kiss on the cheek, and I envision the two of them making low-fat cannoli together at their summer home in Provincetown.

Jillian, meanwhile, turns her attention to John. This means that she screams at him. Because she cares! She has John take a sledgehammer to a truck tire. At first he's super-wimpy, but she screams at him until he's so physically exhausted that all his defenses come down. And then Dr. Phillian takes over. She asks John how someone gets to 500 pounds. John says, "Comfort food." He needed the comfort food because he couldn't handle his dad, grandma, sister, aunt, best friend, and brother-in law. They're all dead, and John's cursed. Oooh! I wouldn't even know how to lay odds in a Jillian versus Curse head-to-head. John's dad died when he was 15, and three months later his grandma died, and three months later his older sister died. Tragedy surrounds him. Jillian asks John if he's going to fulfill this curse. He says he deserves to live, and doesn't want to leave his apparently prematurely balding infant without a dad. Jillian, who appears to have been taking melodrama lessons from Sami, grabs John by his t-shirt and tells him in an intense stage whisper that this can all change, and anything he can dream of is possible if he believes it's possible. And it all starts by beating a big tire with a sledgehammer. Symbolic.