Welcome to week two of the biggest ever Biggest Loser! What have I done today to make me feel proud? Um, does getting my money's worth at the Indian buffet count? Right on cue, Jillian screams. So I guess that's a no.
A little deer nibbles grass at the ranch. Let's hope that deer is wearing a Bodybugg™. To the elliptical with you, flabby Bambi! We check in with John, who has lost the other half of his half ton gimmick -- his twin brother, James. It's tough for John to be by himself, but he's grateful to still be on the ranch. And without further ado, we head to the gym. Does this mean that someone's going to pass out and/or die? Jillian tells us that week two on The Biggest Loser is notoriously tough. The body is in a lot of shock, and there's some rebounding and plateauing. So what do you do? Well, according to Jillian you do the same thing you do every other week -- beat the hell out of them. And so the beatings continue. There is groaning aplenty. Bob agrees that the intensity has to be kept at the same level as week one. It's not for the weak-minded or the weak of heart. Stephanie explains to us that week two brings a whole new collection of body aches. I'm exhausted and sore just from making Ramen noodles for dinner, which is how I know this show isn't for me. Also, I don't weigh 400 pounds.
Bob decides to work with largest-contestant-ever Michael. Jillian explains that she and Bob are the "alley-oop" this season -- one of them sets up the shot, and the other slam dunks it. I don't know what this means, other than Bob is making Michael cry and blow snot bubbles out of his nose. Michael tells Bob that he's always been two steps forward, three steps back with his weight. If he'd been doing all that stepping, I don't think he'd have gotten up to 536 pounds. Michael explains that he's closer to death than to finding love, and is glad to be at the ranch. Bob interviews that Michael needs a cheerleader. And Bob's always looked good in a flouncy skirt, so there you go. Michael gives Bob a big kiss on the cheek, and I envision the two of them making low-fat cannoli together at their summer home in Provincetown.
Jillian, meanwhile, turns her attention to John. This means that she screams at him. Because she cares! She has John take a sledgehammer to a truck tire. At first he's super-wimpy, but she screams at him until he's so physically exhausted that all his defenses come down. And then Dr. Phillian takes over. She asks John how someone gets to 500 pounds. John says, "Comfort food." He needed the comfort food because he couldn't handle his dad, grandma, sister, aunt, best friend, and brother-in law. They're all dead, and John's cursed. Oooh! I wouldn't even know how to lay odds in a Jillian versus Curse head-to-head. John's dad died when he was 15, and three months later his grandma died, and three months later his older sister died. Tragedy surrounds him. Jillian asks John if he's going to fulfill this curse. He says he deserves to live, and doesn't want to leave his apparently prematurely balding infant without a dad. Jillian, who appears to have been taking melodrama lessons from Sami, grabs John by his t-shirt and tells him in an intense stage whisper that this can all change, and anything he can dream of is possible if he believes it's possible. And it all starts by beating a big tire with a sledgehammer. Symbolic.
And then, oh shit. It's effing Dr. "Grim Reaper" Huizenga, here to give his seasonal death predictions. Yes, this is the unhealthiest, closest-to-death group ever! And Dr. H. is going to scare the crap out of them. Patti was diagnosed with diabetes 20 years ago. Dr. H. asks her if anyone told her it was a reversible disease. Of course they did, but Patti really likes Devil Dogs. Patti bawls as she says she's thrown away 20 years of her life. They're retrievable, says Dr. H., but it takes a lot of work and a lot of consistency. Everyone is going to have to pull together, because the odds are against them. He needs to work on his motivational speaking. Dr. H. hands out mysterious envelopes to each team. Michael and Maria open their envelope and find a message that says, "Watch a normal weight man simulate your weight." They have no idea what this means, so go outside to find Dr. H., Bob and some other random dude. There's a bunch of weights on the table. Dr. H. says that Michael has 303 pounds of excess hydrated fat, so they're going to simulate on a normal weight man what Michael's feeling like. That normal weight man is Bob. He's loaded up with weight, and starts buckling at 200 extra pounds. Bob has to sit down, and Michael is embarrassed that his future lover has to endure his burden. Bob starts moaning and groaning about how his hips hurt, and it's oddly sensual. Michael starts crying, and Bob says he doesn't know how Michael's been doing this. He adds, "You've gotta be wanting this more than you've ever wanted anything ever." Oh yeah! The two share a prolonged hug, and Michael says, "I'm gonna do it." Don't give me even more fuel, you two!
After a commercial break, there is more news of death. Patti and Stephanie read their letter, which says, "Watch a special message about how your health is hurting more than just yourselves." They meet with Dr. H., who whips out a video of him interviewing their husband/father and daughter/sister, and basically telling them that Patti and Stephanie are going to die soon. Said husband/father and daughter/sister are, quite naturally, disturbed and upset. This in turn upsets Patti and Stephanie. If Dr. H. tries to make a house call to you, don't answer the door.
The Red Team, Lance and Melissa, open their envelope to find the message, "Find out your true cost of being overweight." Before they even go to see Dr. H., Lance says that it's cost them the ability to scuba dive and ride horses, as well as his job. Turns out that Lance is a commercial diver, but can't do it now because he's overweight. That affects them financially, particularly given that Lance earned a good living as a diver. Melissa adds that the weight issue, and their refusal to address it, is costing them their marriage as well. There is a lot of animosity between the two of them, though Lance says that being on the ranch has brought them closer together. They meet with Dr. H., who tells them that fatties cost the country a lot of money in health care expenses. Between the loss of Lance's job and the health care costs, Dr. H. is going to show them how much money they're going to throw away throughout their lives. And there is an actual truck full of money -- $3 million to be exact. That can't be real money, right? And shouldn't these people be on the treadmill and/or making some sort of low-cal Jennie-O turkey concoction right about now? Was it not enough just to have them go to the hospital and learn their Real Age? Gah.
Cheryl and Daris get a letter that reads, "Watch how your old unhealthy diet affects a healthy person." They meet with Jillian, who sits them down in front of a table full of covered platters that represent what both of the Orange Team members would eat in one day before coming to The Biggest Loser. And now Jillian has to eat one of their meals. She is not pleased. She uncovers one platter and then the next full of frankly delicious-looking food. Mmm, nachos! Mmm, fried onions! They must have a quality Chili's near them. Jillian deconstructs each meal with such bon mots as, "This isn't even food! It's chemicals, it's all processed. Processed grains fried in transfat. Meat parts. Preservatives, hydrogenated oils. It's like, pure crap." Spoken like a woman who's never enjoyed the pleasures of a chalupa. Cheryl says it was convenient to eat this food. Also, delicious. Jillian, meanwhile, spoons quesadillas in her mouth while looking like she's chewing on buffalo shit. Finally she can't take it anymore and so spits it out, deeming it gross. She tells them to go to the supermarket and the farmer's market and not Taco Bell. Also, pack your snacks. Jillian tells Cheryl and Daris that they're worth more than orange nacho cheese sauce, and need to act like it.
We take a commercial break and when we return it is thankfully time for a challenge. The contestants meet Sami at a giant pool. Maria is not pleased about this, since she's afraid of the water. Has she ev