You guys! There is so much important TV on tonight! I don't even know what to do with myself. And then Oprah is ending tomorrow. It's all too much for a person to take, really. Here to bring me back to reality is Allison Sweeney, widely known in these recaps as Sami, wearing a sausage dress. And then we flash to someone in the audience who has a sign reading, "Time 4 Babies." What does that even mean? Is that a signal from my subconscious? Boy, it's going to be a long night.

Sami tells us that during this season 22 contestants trained with four trainers on two campuses, and faced more challenges and weigh-ins than any contestants ever. They went to New Zealand where they jumped off of bridges. They climbed mountains. They lost a challenge to a contestant from a whole different season. In keeping with this kind of barrier-breaking tradition, we could have a ladies only finale. Girl power!

And then we get a recap of the season so far. The contestants had to choose between Bob and Jillian and two unknown trainers, who we wish were still unknown. There were plenty of tragic stories, which is no surprise. The narrator of this montage says, "They came to lose weight, but along the way they found themselves." Really, sir? Anyway, we are left with Jay, Irene, Hannah and Olivia.

If you'll recall, we had to vote for either Jay or Irene to round out the final three, and so the finale's first real order of business is to let us know just how the democratic process worked out. Jay comes bursting on stage first. He's wearing a lilac shirt and has an edge of 'roid rage to him. He stands beside hologram fat Jay, and certainly has lost a ton of poundage. Sami asks Jay about the motivational number that he wrote on his arm every week, which represented his goal weight. Now, as it turns out, Jay has a tattoo! It says, "What you're for strengthens you," along with today's date in what appears to be roman numerals. That's a syntactically curious tattoo, is it not? Sami at least appears to find it moving.

Irene then comes out on stage in a hot pink number looking super fly and fabulous if a bit squeezed in the bodice. She slaps her fat hologram self on the ass, because that's how she rolls. Irene looks like a totally different, much happier person. I really hope she wins this whole thing. Her calf muscles are also a thing of wonder. Irene says that this has been an incredible experience, and notes that Sami has helped her along the way. She's been able to break through her walls, and feel, and be proud of what she's done. She gives Jay a huge hug and tells him that he looks great.