You guys! There is so much important TV on tonight! I don't even know what to do with myself. And then Oprah is ending tomorrow. It's all too much for a person to take, really. Here to bring me back to reality is Allison Sweeney, widely known in these recaps as Sami, wearing a sausage dress. And then we flash to someone in the audience who has a sign reading, "Time 4 Babies." What does that even mean? Is that a signal from my subconscious? Boy, it's going to be a long night.
Sami tells us that during this season 22 contestants trained with four trainers on two campuses, and faced more challenges and weigh-ins than any contestants ever. They went to New Zealand where they jumped off of bridges. They climbed mountains. They lost a challenge to a contestant from a whole different season. In keeping with this kind of barrier-breaking tradition, we could have a ladies only finale. Girl power!
And then we get a recap of the season so far. The contestants had to choose between Bob and Jillian and two unknown trainers, who we wish were still unknown. There were plenty of tragic stories, which is no surprise. The narrator of this montage says, "They came to lose weight, but along the way they found themselves." Really, sir? Anyway, we are left with Jay, Irene, Hannah and Olivia.
If you'll recall, we had to vote for either Jay or Irene to round out the final three, and so the finale's first real order of business is to let us know just how the democratic process worked out. Jay comes bursting on stage first. He's wearing a lilac shirt and has an edge of 'roid rage to him. He stands beside hologram fat Jay, and certainly has lost a ton of poundage. Sami asks Jay about the motivational number that he wrote on his arm every week, which represented his goal weight. Now, as it turns out, Jay has a tattoo! It says, "What you're for strengthens you," along with today's date in what appears to be roman numerals. That's a syntactically curious tattoo, is it not? Sami at least appears to find it moving.
Irene then comes out on stage in a hot pink number looking super fly and fabulous if a bit squeezed in the bodice. She slaps her fat hologram self on the ass, because that's how she rolls. Irene looks like a totally different, much happier person. I really hope she wins this whole thing. Her calf muscles are also a thing of wonder. Irene says that this has been an incredible experience, and notes that Sami has helped her along the way. She's been able to break through her walls, and feel, and be proud of what she's done. She gives Jay a huge hug and tells him that he looks great.
With that, it's reckoning time. After a commercial break to build suspense, Sami lets us know that the winner of America's vote is Irene! Yay! I mean, Jay seems awesome too, and probably has a shot at the at-home prize. Irene and Jay head back to get out of their party clothes and put those awful t-shirts back on, and then Sami brings out our four trainers. And you guys, Jillian looks SO HOT. Her hair is glorious and she's wearing this black shiny dress with bondage accessories that I covet, along with some marvelous heels. Also: boobs. And a cross necklace? I'm just going to ignore that. Anyway, let me reiterate: SO HOT! Oh, I shall miss her the most. Bob and Brett are both looking dapper, and Cara seems to have walked straight out of Avenging Angel. I heard that Anna Kournikova is going to be a trainer next year, but I don't know if that means that Cara got the boot or not.
Sami reminds us of how Bob faced his fear of heights and jumped off of a building in New Zealand. He says that fear can be paralyzing, but once you face your fears you'll likely realize that they aren't so bad after all. It's true. I had a phobia of drive-through windows for a long time, because once I got a case of the giggles so fiercely at the drive-through speaker that I couldn't talk at all and felt like a total idiot. But then, after like three years, I finally wanted some McDonalds fries and a chocolate shake bad enough that I powered through. This particular example might not be exactly what Bob would use to illustrate his point, but I stand by it. Oh my God, I cannot stop looking at Jillian. Her ARMS, people! Sami asks Brett what it meant to him to come to The Biggest Loser, and he says it's all about paying it back. Better than paying it forward, if you ask me. Brett was an overweight teenager, just like Jillian! Brett rambles on about something and changing lives and I don't even know. Is he coming back? I am ambivalent on the matter.
And then it's time to talk to Jillian! The applause is so loud that we can't even hear what Sami is saying, and then the audience gives Jillian a standing ovation. Sami says thanks on behalf of everyone, and adds that we all love her a lot. WE DO! Jillian says that it's been an honor to be a part of The Biggest Loser and work side by side with the other trainers (by which she means Bob). She's eternally grateful, and now is excited to take the platform she's been given to the next level. I would be more excited about all this if her next platform didn't involve Dr. Phil. At this point I swear that it looks like Cara takes the microphone off of Brett's tie. WTF? The camera cuts quickly away and clearly no one is going to let her say anything, but I like to imagine that we were on the edge of a very dramatic moment there.
With that, it's time for the contestants to come out and get weighed! Ana, Irene's mom, is first, looking lovely. And then hey! It's Courtney! She... huh. You know, I think Courtney has all the skin. I'll be curious to see what happens on the scale with her. And then there's Courtney's mother, Marci, who just looks fly beyond belief. I mean, it's sick. She's got, like, a Sigourney Weaver build now. Sami reminds us that Courtney lost 100 pounds before even getting on campus, then asks her how she did it. Courtney says that she changed her mind and believed in herself. She continues on her path as a motivational speaker, by promising us all that she's living proof that we, too, can do it. Marci talks about how she and Courtney have taken hope back to their community, I guess by preaching about lifestyle changes via some sort of program at Marci's health club. This whole thing must really have been a boon for business.
After a plug for Love in the Wild (which looks so awesome, I can't even talk about it), we get our first set of weigh-ins. Ana is first on the scale. We get a montage reminding us about how she almost died on the treadmill and then got kicked off of the show. Ana started at 255 pounds, and now weighs 146. That's a loss of 109 pounds! Whoa! That's 41.75%, and Sami is seriously impressed. Next we get a Courtney montage. Oh, she did start off really big. She is plenty thinner than she used to be, though still not quite as thin as I'd expect her to be now. Courtney goes from 323 pounds to 213, for a loss of 110 pounds, or 34.06%. Something seems weird, starting with how twitchy Courtney herself is. A quick check back at Courtney's elimination episode shows that she weighed 210 pounds the last time we saw her, meaning that she's actually gained a little bit weight since then. I guess those healthy menu items at the Dairy Queen didn't work out so well after all. People give Courtney a standing ovation nonetheless. And all this talk about Dairy Queen reminds me that I have an ice cream sandwich in my freezer! Victory!
Marci weighs in next, and needs to have lost more than 101 pounds to take the lead from Ana. She goes from 238 pounds to 152, for a loss of 86 pounds or 36.13%. Marci flexes, and her arms are just unbelievable. If the $100,000 at-home prize was decided based upon an arm wrestling competition, it would be no contest.
And then it's time for some more contestants! Hey! It's twins Dan and Don! Holy