Biggest Loser
Episode 21

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Ladies First (and Second, and Third)
my grandma would have said, like a streetwalker. I totally want to tell her to scrub her face. She seems really happy, though. Justin loves himself, as one might expect. I think he is drunk, perhaps permanently. These three head off to change and Sami gives a shout-out to twice rejected contestants Vance and Leanne, in the audience. They don't have to weigh in, thank God.

Justin is first on the scale, which means his montage is also first. He was always "inspiring" people, and calling Rulon "Ru," which I missed the first time around. He was like the most terrifying gym coach you've ever had. Justin needs to have lost more than 178 pounds to best Deni. He goes from 365 to 192, for a loss of 173 pounds or 47.4%. Very close! He flexes his arms, and man does he have some guns. I still think he's a weirdo, but mad props. Sami says that there are only two more eliminated players left to weigh-in, which means that Rulon is not there. Why is no one acknowledging this? Why is he not there? Argh, I am so annoyed. I will bet you a month of Subway sandwiches that Rulon has now taken residence inside of a Tostitos bag.

Jen weighs in next. She had all kinds of emotional issues, whatever. Her bronzer situation is just tragic as she steps on the scale. Jen goes from 278 to 164, for a loss of 114 pounds or 41.01%. Well done, now seriously, go scrub your face. And so it all comes down to Jay. He looks pretty good, especially considering how big he started, but I think Deni has it. Jay needs to have lost more than 195 pounds to win the at-home prize. He goes from 400 pounds to 219, for a loss of 181 pounds. It's an impressive number, but not enough to win! Deni has done it! Sarah runs up and gives her a giant hug, and everyone gives Deni serious love for being a 59-year-old lady who killed it and got $100,000 as a reward. Woohoo! Take a note, Rulon. Seriously, can you believe no one has even MENTIONED him?

After a commercial break, it's time to get down to business. Irene stands on stage, since we've already seen her, and then Hannah emerges looking great of body and face but wrapped in a really unfortunate dress. Where's Tim Gunn when you need him? What kind of drag queen hooker store are they getting these outfits from? Happily, Hannah seems to be growing out her bangs. She says that she's getting used to her new life and her new body, and her new home, which is the gym, where someone totally tried to pick her up and the shock of it caused her to drop a weight on her foot. Anyway, Hannah might have won this. She really looks fab. She says that asking for help and reaching out was the bravest thing she's ever done. I don't know, wearing that dress is pretty brave, too.

And then there's Olivia! Oh, I do love her. I mean, these ladies are fly, people. Olivia's dress is maybe an optical illusion, in a good way. Sami calls out Olivia's husband Ben, who is also a super hottie now and has lost a ton of weight. Olivia says that his way to connect with her while she was gone was to get on the treadmill every morning. He's lost about 113 pounds, without spending any time on the ranch at all. He followed Bob's Tweet diet. I should get on that. Olivia says that a whole new frontier of opera singer roles have been placed in front of her, and she's excited to play some skinny sexy vixens.

As the Biggest Loser on campus, Irene gets to determine the weigh-in order, which is Hannah, then Irene, then Olivia. But first we get introduced to new trainer Anna Kournikova, who apparently shops at the same drag queen hooker store as everyone else. She is downright scrawny, and if you kind of cross your eyes a little she bears an uncanny resemblance to Celine Dion. She's uniquely qualified to be a trainer on this show because of all the tennis championships she's won. OH WAIT.

Okay: final three weigh-ins. Hannah is first, and we get a montage of her being hilarious, as she is wont to do. Remember how much she wanted to bone Curtis Stone? It was sexual harassment but really funny because she's a lady. She and Olivia were especially cute together. Sami tells Hannah that she's won our hearts every single week, and now needs to get on the scale. Hannah goes from 248 pounds to 128, for a loss of 120 pounds! Holy shit! That is really fucking skinny, and yet Hannah manages not to look emaciated at all. Major kudos to her. Hannah's percentage lost is 48.39%, which seems like a pretty tough number to beat. She's so excited that she doesn't even want to get off the scale. I can't blame her. I would just stand there for, like, hours.

Irene is next, looking kind of sullen. Irene's montage is not hilarious. In fact, it's the opposite of hilarious. She was so sad for such a long time! And yet, she kicked so much ass. This eventually made her happier, and she graced us with that big smile. Irene needs to have lost more than 123 pounds to take the lead from Hannah. She goes from 255 to 139, for a loss of 116 pounds or 45.49%. Ah, so close. Irene looks pretty disappointed, I think because she wanted some cash. I am a little sad, too, though you can't really go wrong with either of the sisters.

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Biggest Loser

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