Biggest Loser
Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | Grade It Now!
Rings of Brass

So, The Biggest Loser apparently has a new mini-intro that features Bob oiled up without a shirt. Yes, Virginia, dreams do come true! I keep trying to pause on it, but it goes by super fast. Suffice it to say that Bob has no moobs. Or, if he does have moobs, they're only training bra-worthy. In a good way. Jillian wears a tank top and Sami has, like, a blazer on. At least someone on this show retains a sense of modesty.

We are reminded that half of the contestants fell below the yellow line last week. Only one guy was below the yellow line, and Jillian found it unacceptable that seven of eight female contestants were in jeopardy. Patrick, the only one below the line who had a Y chromosome, got a save, and the seven women had to battle it out in a physical challenge. Allie and Tina came in last, and so faced an elimination vote. Quite surprisingly, Allie was voted out. With last week's recap finished, we go back to the present. Patrick tells us that tensions are quite high in the house, and a lot of people are pissed off and upset. Before this week, Brendan says, everyone was hunky dory and pallin' around like terrorists, but now that they've been through one elimination things have changed. Tina tells us that we think we know, but we have no idea what it's like to be a contestant on this insane show. I'd like to keep it that way, thanks.

The morning after the elimination, Tina is overcome with guilt. There are some rumors floating around about Tina wanting to go home, and so Tina calls a house meeting. She breaks down, then tells everyone that she totally got screwed up and is going to ask to go home today. Frado tells her, quite correctly in my opinion, that it's selfish to go home. She pleaded to stay and they voted poor Allie with her crunk mom out. Frado says that Tina's responsibility is to honor Allie, and fight to be there. Others agree. Tina says that she doesn't want to chance pulling someone else down. What does that even mean? Brendan points out that there are thousands of people who would love to be there, and for her to quit is just -- cue Boston accent -- gaaaahbage. Rick asks if there's something at home that Tina wants to leave for. Tina says that the day before she got called to do the show, she drew $16,000 out of her 401K to take her family on a very special vacation. OMG, first of all, how much do you wish Suze Orman was here right now to hand Tina her ass for that 401K business? The other contestants are rightly incensed that Tina, who had the perfect opportunity to leave if she wanted to go on vacation so damn badly, hoodwinked them into keeping her there and now wants to throw away health and happiness for a trip to Bora Bora. Frado notes that he's going to miss his son's graduation, but you have to make sacrifices to save your own life.

Lisa feels betrayed and devastated, and says that she'll leave to take care of Allie, who lives only ten miles away from her, after she's learned a few more things. Now everyone thinks that Lisa is crunk, which is also true. Lisa says that Allie doesn't have anybody, but as we've seen she totally has season eight winner Danny! She's fine. Frado tells Lisa to go home and help Allie then. He interviews that this scene is pathetic. Jessica says that she'd stay a year if she could, and if there are people who don't want to be there for three months the others can collectively help them pack and send them home. I mean, seriously.

Bob enters and learns about the drama that has just ensued. He says that it's bullshit, and then tells Tina that she's not ready to go home yet, and that everyone has to remember why they're there in the first place. Someone else is going home next week, and that's why they have to get to learning and not take being on campus for granted. Bob tells us that the first elimination always makes people crazy, and the best strategy for dealing with this is to get in the gym and focus.

Soon enough we're in the gym, and Bob is leading a circuit workout. Jillian is nowhere to be found, which makes me think she's probably off somewhere offending Native Americans. Bob uses Tina's lameness as an excuse to go a little apeshit, and redoubles his efforts to torture the contestants. He takes a page from the Book of Jillian and tells Patrick that he's going to break his legs and beat him with them. Speaking of Patrick, he tells us that he's there for his wife and two boys. It's a life or death situation for him, and he says that he's ready to do it. Then there's Liz, who loves to dance but now can barely make it through one song. Her weight is holding her back, and she wants to make a change, yeah, do it today. Burgandy tells us that Bob crushes you into dust and then asks you to enjoy it. At least you're probably glittery disco dust, which I think would be enjoyable. Frado says, "[He] really gave it to us. It was balls to the wall." He's not the first person to describe an afternoon with Bob in that manner. Frado likes to scream a lot during his workout. Bob likes to scream at Brendan to push himself harder. We get people repeatedly telling us about how difficult this workout was, and how awesome it was. In a torturous way.

Jesse backtalks a little to Bob, and so Bob deigns to torture him some more. He rides him hard until Jesse can't take it anymore, drops his weights, and walks away. Bob asks if Jesse has something to say to him, and Jesse replies, "I don't have [bleep] to say to you, Bob." They go back and forth for a while, and Bob says he deserves respect from Jesse. Jesse says he's sorry and calls Bob "sir." Bob apparently hates the disrespect, and tells us that he will totally queen out if he feels disrespected. Bob tortures everyone else on Jesse's behalf, and Jesse feels pretty bad about it. Torture, etc. I can't believe this show is two hours long.

While some contestants run, others cut things up and put them in Ziploc bags. Tina shows pictures of her grandchildren to Bob, who deems her a nurturer. He asks how you can fruitfully take care of anyone else if you've let yourself go. Tina has an obese daughter who encouraged her to be on the show. We are reminded how Tina got on the show because that hippie guy fell down. Like the corners of my mind, those memories. Bob tells Tina to buck up and enjoy being on campus, and then go help her daughter get healthy. Tina is going to look awesome when she loses 100 pounds and gets rid of those crazy old lady glasses.

Oh! And hey! Jillian's back all of a sudden. We now address the fact that the majority of the ladies were below the yellow line. Jillian takes all the females for a little chat. She tells them that sometimes if you workout really hard before a weigh-in, your body can retain fluid from stress. And given that this was a surprise weigh-in, they probably didn't have time to take their diuretics. Jillian tells the ladies that they've been a little too kumbaya about everything, and that she will not allow this to become a jockfest. Elizabeth appreciates this reminder that game face is important, and that it's time to get into warrior headspace.

The contestants head out to the Edmund D. Edelman Tennis and Swim Center where a cart full of balls awaits them. Not metaphorical balls, sadly. Tennis balls. Sami tells the contestants that tennis players are some of the most fit athletes in the world. But don't take her word for it, because Anna Kournikova is there to beat the contestants into fitness with her super hot bod and fast-moving tennis drills. The guys totally can't keep it in their pants. Jesse says that she could have taught them calligraphy and he would have been excited. The contestants move, have fun, and have a great attitude per Anna's instructions. Anna hopes that she can inspire the contestants as they've inspired her. I'm sure she's inspired a one-handed workout later on the part of the dudes. She hugs Brendan and he refuses to let go until things get a little creepy. He tells us, "She smells good, too."

Anna leaves, and it's time for a pop challenge! The person who wins gets immunity at this wee

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Biggest Loser




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