Hello, Biggest Loser! We are back with the season's third episode, which feels like the thirtieth episode. What's more, I just came from watching Nene nearly beating Kim to a pulp on Kandi's tour bus on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and am sure Jillian's screaming will result in some kind of a PTSD flashback. I had to soothe myself with my old comfort standby, chocolate chips dumped in a jar of peanut butter and eaten with a spoon. IT WORKS.

Two weeks ago, we are reminded, the contestants had to choose between the beloved trainers and two mystery trainers. The mystery trainers remained mysteries...until now. Boxing lady, it turns out, is Cara Castronova. She says that she's not a celebrity trainer and has no fitness DVDs, but she's a fighter and has everything to prove. She also has very pretty hair. When Cara was five, her dad taught her how to box in the garage with her brothers. More legal than dog fighting! She started competing when she was twenty, and was ranked number two in the country by USA Boxing and won the Golden Gloves in New York twice. And she managed to do all of this without ruining her pretty, pretty face! Or maybe she did ruin it and had one hell of a reconstructive surgeon. Cara would very much like to train the next winner of the Biggest Loser. She grew up poor, her father passed away when she was fourteen, and her mother got into an accident a few years ago and also passed away. In short, if she weighed 300 more pounds, she could be a contestant on this show. Having a hard life, Cara says, has made her so much stronger, and she's here to bring back the fighter in each of the contestants. And, I guess, teach them how to throw a mean right hook.

Mystery dude trainer is Brett Hoebel, who looks a lot like Dean Cain in his Superman days. He's worked in this industry for almost twenty years, and is a motivator in addition to a fitness trainer. Are those different things? It's like saying, "I'm a bartender and also listen to people's problems." Brett is a martial artist who does capoeira, muay thai, boxing and kickboxing. He also studied pre-med and says there's a science to training. He also knows what it's like to be fat, and we have photos of his chubby teen years to prove it. It took a lot of blood, sweat, tears and mental, physical and emotional work to come out of that, but Brett is ready to show the contestants that they can earn a life change if they want it bad enough. He seems more likely to be Dr. Phillian, Jr. than Cara does, though I suppose free psychiatric advice has become de rigueur on this show.