Hello, Biggest Loser! We are back with the season's third episode, which feels like the thirtieth episode. What's more, I just came from watching Nene nearly beating Kim to a pulp on Kandi's tour bus on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and am sure Jillian's screaming will result in some kind of a PTSD flashback. I had to soothe myself with my old comfort standby, chocolate chips dumped in a jar of peanut butter and eaten with a spoon. IT WORKS.
Two weeks ago, we are reminded, the contestants had to choose between the beloved trainers and two mystery trainers. The mystery trainers remained mysteries...until now. Boxing lady, it turns out, is Cara Castronova. She says that she's not a celebrity trainer and has no fitness DVDs, but she's a fighter and has everything to prove. She also has very pretty hair. When Cara was five, her dad taught her how to box in the garage with her brothers. More legal than dog fighting! She started competing when she was twenty, and was ranked number two in the country by USA Boxing and won the Golden Gloves in New York twice. And she managed to do all of this without ruining her pretty, pretty face! Or maybe she did ruin it and had one hell of a reconstructive surgeon. Cara would very much like to train the next winner of the Biggest Loser. She grew up poor, her father passed away when she was fourteen, and her mother got into an accident a few years ago and also passed away. In short, if she weighed 300 more pounds, she could be a contestant on this show. Having a hard life, Cara says, has made her so much stronger, and she's here to bring back the fighter in each of the contestants. And, I guess, teach them how to throw a mean right hook.
Mystery dude trainer is Brett Hoebel, who looks a lot like Dean Cain in his Superman days. He's worked in this industry for almost twenty years, and is a motivator in addition to a fitness trainer. Are those different things? It's like saying, "I'm a bartender and also listen to people's problems." Brett is a martial artist who does capoeira, muay thai, boxing and kickboxing. He also studied pre-med and says there's a science to training. He also knows what it's like to be fat, and we have photos of his chubby teen years to prove it. It took a lot of blood, sweat, tears and mental, physical and emotional work to come out of that, but Brett is ready to show the contestants that they can earn a life change if they want it bad enough. He seems more likely to be Dr. Phillian, Jr. than Cara does, though I suppose free psychiatric advice has become de rigueur on this show.
In any case, the introduction of the new trainers took three minutes. Was that so hard? Could we have not done that two episodes ago? Cara and Brett have been training The Unknowns for two weeks, and though they won the challenge handily last week, The Knowns kicked butt on the scale. Now, the announcer tells us, it's time for an Unknown comeback. It's a comeback with no stakes, since The Unknowns have immunity for two more weeks, but I guess dramatic tension doesn't build itself.
The Unknowns sit and talk about their results on the scale, and we learn that Q has fallen short for two consecutive weeks. He lost six pounds one week, and Justin gave him crap for it. And now, Rulon gives him crap for it. Q has lost 17 pounds in two weeks, as compared to 53 pounds from Moses and 49 pounds from Rulon himself. Rulon tells him to prove how much he wants to be there, and stop flat lining. Jesse gives him further crap about his drive, and adds that nobody probably ever drove him to be what he could be. Jesse also is disappointed in Austin. Boy, I hope they vote Jesse out as soon as they get the chance, because he is shaping up to be insufferable. Q says that he's searching for the drive within himself that will let him work through knee pain and other shit. Rulon continues to blather on with his pep talk, looking just like a yellow M&M in his big sweatshirt. Seriously, throw some white gloves on him and some very distinct eyebrows and he's a doppelganger. He interviews that it's a battle to make yourself better. I guess he's a better battler.
The Knowns, meanwhile, meet up with Sami for their next challenge. It's raining, and two black vans approach the challenge site. Everyone quickly figures out that it's The Unknowns, or as they are (un)known to The Knowns, "The Bad Guys." Each team stands on opposing sides of a divider. Sami says that one player from each team will win the challenge, and these two winners will face each other over dinner with Curtis Stone. Hannah immediately goes off of her birth control so that she can have Curtis's baby when she wins the challenge. At dinner, Curtis will give the two winners a chance to compete for a two-pound advantage at the weigh-in. And maybe his hand in marriage! Since The Unknowns have immunity, if a member of their team wins the challenge, he or she can save the two-pound advantage until they come on campus.
Today's pop challenge includes an egg and a frying pan. The contestants will have to balance said egg on top of said frying pan for as long as they can. The frying pan will be upside down, which of course makes the whole task quite a bit more difficult. Courtney says that this is a mental challenge, and she's pretty mentally tough. She thinks that she and her mom have it in the bag. The Unknowns devise some sort of plan that I think involves throwing the challenge so that a specific team or individual can win. There is smack talk, and then the balancing begins. Eggs on a pan -- riveting! And then, actually, something exciting does happen. On the count of three, The Unknowns all chuck their eggs over the divider, apparently trying to distract the balancing Knowns. Deni is the lone holdout, and so wins. Justin says that Deni works really hard, and both deserves and can make use of the two-pound advantage. The Knowns, meanwhile, take no part in such shenanigans. They're playing for serious, given that one of them will be eliminated this week. Several of the eggs drop, including Hannah's. Her dreams have been crushed, just like the egg that represented Curtis Stone's head in her fertile imagination and ovaries. Marci ends up winning the challenge, and notes that she needs the two-pound advantage to help keep her and Courtney safe.
After a commercial break, Dr. "Death" Huizenga pays a visit to The Unknowns. He's wearing a button down denim shirt with a tie, and generally looks like he walked out of 1989. Dr. H. tells Q that he's got 248 pounds of excess fat, and has an inner age of 51. Q is 27, and takes this news pretty hard. He has an adorable little son who means the world to him, and so finds his morbid obesity to be pretty scary. He needs a death-obsessed ginger to clue him into this fact?
About 40% of Rulon's body is fat, as is 43% of Justin's. Rulon says that after all he's been through, he feels like there's nothing he can't recover from. And what has he been through, you may ask? It turns out that Rulon has survived a snowmobile accident, motorcycle accident, and plane wreck. He won two Olympic medals, he says, but obesity is his biggest foe and the thing that will put him in an early grave. Dr. H. points out that Rulon beating an undefeated Russian in 2000 was one of the biggest Olympic moments ever. This is a different sort of battle, but one that will take the same amount of courage. Justin says that he was scared for Rulon before they came on the show, but now he's scared for himself. Dr. H. affirms that Justin should be scared, given that he has pre-diabetes and high blood pressure and also, I may add, an extremely ruddy complexion. Justin's inner age is 59, 20 years older than his biological age of 39. He gets ruddier as he cries about this new information. He's got a lot left to do in life, and a lot of people depending on him. He probably came on the show for the wrong reasons, he says, but now he's here for the right ones.
Then there's Austin and Ken. Ken has diabetes, degenerative joint disease, and high blood pressure. Eight people in th