Oh, soothing balm for the soul! It's a one hour Biggest Loser. Thank you, Mr. President! I got so excited that I swallowed a grapefruit seed, which means that by the time of the next recap I'll have a grapefruit tree growing in my stomach. At least I'll never get scurvy.

On with the shortened show! We are reminded that last week Dan and Don punked out and each gained nine pounds and the scorn/condescension of the whole ranch. Dan, to his great happiness, was voted out. Jay tells us that it was clear that Dan wanted to go home, however the double nine-pound gain was a shocker and a jaw-dropper. Hannah talks to Don about possible changes to make to counteract his nine-pound gain. Don actually says that he's baffled by the number, and that it's not like he and Dan each ate a nine-pound ham. Marci could give two shits about his bafflement. She tells Don that the controversy affects everyone on the ranch, and also there are a lot of fat people out there in the world who could have had a spot on this show but instead it went to stupid Dan who didn't even want to be there. Marci interviews that, with Dan gone, Don needs to step up and be honest or else go home. Don tells us that he didn't want to be involved in any kind of controversy or nefarious activity. Should've thought about that before you ate that nine-pound Jennie-O turkey meatloaf, my friend.

The next day, the Known contestants meet up with Sami in the gym while doom-infused music plays. She reminds them that several weeks ago they had the opportunity to either train with Bob and Jillian on the ranch or go off with the Unknown trainers. Some made a deliberate decision, while others wound up with Bob and Jillian by default. But like it or not, they're on the ranch now. However, Sami says, that might change. Because before the day is through, one team will leave the ranch and join The Unknowns for an entire week. In my mind I always associate The Unknowns with The Infected from 28 Days Later, which gives me a panic that the departing team will be ripped apart by zombies. That would at least make the show a whole lot more interesting. Hannah and Olivia are not having it, and so are determined to do whatever they have to do in the challenge to stay.

This is, as you may have guessed, a temptation challenge. Doors open to reveal shelves of delicious, fatty food stacked to the ceiling. There are burgers and fried chicken and cheesecake and regular cake. Hannah channels her inner Stephanie Tanner and says, "That's so rude." Arthur and Jesse get a look at the pizza and a tiny droplet of drool escapes from each of their lips. Arthur is the guy who almost ate a donut out of a dumpster, so I worry for him in this challenge. Sami says that the temptation room contains each contestant's favorite food. Arthur's is supreme pizzas, which are valued at 631 calories per slice. Delicious calories, those are. Worth it. Arthur tells everyone else about how his BFFs the pizza delivery guys would come with a pizza every night at 8:30, without him even having to call. And that's how you get to be 600 pounds. Don loves chocolate cake, which comes in at 590 calories per slice. Jesse enjoys himself some fried chicken, which is valued at 850 calories for three pieces. Also a man after my own heart! The 850 calories does explain some things about my recent foray to Nashville's own Prince's Hot Chicken Shack, where I consumed one of the most delicious meals known to man. I was also totally full for a complete 18 hours, after which I fell pray to a condition known as the very spicy poops. Still, I would do it all over again. I have probably just given you, as they say, too much information, but when you've been forced to write about sagging man boobs and people vomiting on treadmills week after week, your boundaries just kind of break down.

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