Biggest Loser

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Something Wicked This Way Flubs

What have I done today to make me feel proud? Well, I called in sick to work and didn't go outside at all for the entire day. Actually, that makes me feel more jaundiced than proud. But there's Sean's dancing stomach in the intro to snap some color back into me. Awesome.

We begin as the contestants meet Sami in front of a giant Wheel of Fortune type contraption with silver platters on it instead of hundred-dollar values and "bankrupt" signs. Remember when the contestants on Wheel had to actually buy stuff with the money the won, and so would end up with $400 ceramic Dalmatian statues and shit? That was pretty great. In any case, the contestants are not looking forward to what they assume is a temptation challenge. Sami drops some more unwelcome knowledge on them: from this point forward in the game, it's going to be Blue versus Black. One can imagine that Bob's probably not thrilled about this development, either. One person, Sami continues, is going to get to choose the teams. This is clearly a lot of power to wield, and I'm sure someone will have to eat a gallon tub of that non-refrigerated Tostito's queso that you can buy at the gas station for the privilege of winning it.

Sami explains that there are 36 platters on the wheel. One of them holds the golden ticket, which reads "Choose Teams." Not quite as catchy as the "Choose Life" t-shirts from the "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" video, but it will have to do. The person who wins the golden ticket will get to decide who goes on which team, and who will have which trainer. But wait, there's more. If a person lands on one of the 35 spaces that do not hold the golden ticket, they can get a number of other things including $1,000, or a piece of cake valued at 1,000 calories. Sami asks the question: "Who wants to play?" Those who are in are told to take one step forward. Dina is first to step forward, followed by Rudy, Liz, Amanda, Shay, Rebecca, Allen, Danny, Coach Mo, and Daniel. Sami asks Tracey if she wants to play. And I mean, duh. Danny tells us that Tracey has won all of the temptation challenges so far, and we've seen how universally reviled it's made her. Perhaps for this reason, Abby is the lone holdout who decides not to play. Abby tells us that ultimately, the wheel plays no part in where she wants to go.

Rudy spins first since he has the highest percentage of weight loss. In his platter, he finds a huge piece of cake. Man, does that look delicious. Sami informs Rudy that the cake is exactly 1,000 calories. He eats it as the others groan. Rebecca is next, and gets a chocolate donut worth 280 calories for her trouble. The donut is tasty, but she begins to wonder what she's doing this for. Allen is next, and gets a tiny cupcake. It's worth 100 calories, which isn't too bad in the scheme of things. Next to spin is Danny, who gets a giant cupcake worth 780 calories. Then there's Tracey. Weird porn music starts to play as she steps toward the wheel. Coach Mo tells us that the wind started blowing and something magical was in the air. Evil-magical. Pretty much everyone hopes that Tracey lands on a platter full of broken glass. They certainly don't want her to get the golden ticket. BUT SHE TOTALLY GETS THE GOLDEN TICKET! That was totally fixed, right? BY THE DEVIL. Tracey is overjoyed by the potential evildoing that awaits her. Everyone else is mad, but also kind of freaked out. Coach Mo says, "I have seen a lot of things in 56 years. Things that I could not explain. Something there was... not... natural. It was supernatural. She has the ability to gain control whenever she needs it or wants it." She's totally a soldier of Beelzeflub. And all of the Witches of Feastwick, at once. Also, the Devil Dog made her do it. Tracey first has to decide who her trainer will be. She has to make the decision on her own, with no input from Coach Mo. She limps off as we cut to commercial break.

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Biggest Loser

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