Biggest Loser
Episode 5

Episode Report Card
admin: A- | Grade It Now!
This Little Miggy Went to Hospital

What have I done today to make me feel proud? Well, I've watched this video of Stevie Nicks about 40 times because: 1) it's awesome; 2) it effectively quells the PTSD flashbacks of tonedeaf Taylor Swift butchering "Rhiannon" and then having this fantastic 61-year old rock goddess sing harmony on such insipid lyrics as, "She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers." Stevie Nicks has a Rhode Island-sized hole in her septum. She wrote "Gold Dust Woman." She doesn't care about who's wearing short skirts and who's wearing t-shirts. Because she's wearing black chiffon capes and rocking the shit out of any room she's in and putting a curse on Lindsay Buckingham (which is why he always sounds so douchey in interviews). Seriously, whose idea was this? Has this person been fired yet? Stevie deserves better. Two days later and I can't shake the rage! Help me, Dr. Phillian!

Anyway, okay, moving on. So, last week Migdalia was eliminated in an episode with a LOT of tense moments. Miggy tells us that she thought she was going to be voted off, and indeed it was pretty close even though Migdalia wanted to leave. At the moment that Migdalia left, Miggy didn't feel so much like staying either. With tears in her eyes, she tells us that she couldn't bear not having Migdalia there. Finally, some emotion! Dr. Phillian emerges victorious. The hardest moment of all was when Miggy had to return to her empty room. She felt like she lost half of herself, and in fact sobbed in her bed. And then! At 2:51 a.m. there's a 911 call. Miggy is suffering from acute abdominal pain, and is shipped off to the hospital. Intriguing.

The next morning, all the contestants wake up. Boy, are there a lot of CPAP machines in that house. Sami greets everyone and tells them that Miggy is okay but undergoing some tests at the hospital. They convene outside, where Sami notes that they've been there for a month, and the time will eventually come when they'll have to leave campus, go home, and face the challenges that exist in the real world. Today, those challenges are coming to campus in the form of the previously exiled Yellow and Blue Teams! The other contestants are polite but a little nervous about what all this means. We flash back to the Yellow and Blue Teams failing on their initial stationary bike challenge and getting the boot, and then learning that their journey wasn't quite over. The team that has lost the highest percentage of weight at home will get to return to campus.

With that, the Yellow and Blue Teams are sent to the gym for their very own last chance workouts with Bob and Jillian. They were not expecting this. But it is a right of passage, and they need to feel the burn. Sunshine tells us that they worked out hard at home, but this is a completely different level of torture. O'Neal is surprised that he survived it. I am rooting for Sunshine and O'Neal here, if only because their names sound like a cheeseball '70s duo a la Captain and Tennille or Peaches and Herb. One can only hope they'll sing lite rock favorites while on the treadmill while Delilah narrates.

And with that it's weigh-in time for the Blues and the Yellows. The team who earns their place back on campus will have two weeks guaranteed, because they'll win immunity. But, in yet another nefarious twist, the team who has immunity will also have the only vote at this week's elimination. In the words of Jillian, "God bless this game show. You just never know what's coming." The Blue Team, Cherita and Victoria, is first up on the scale. O'Neal notes that they both look visibly smaller. Victoria goes from 358 to 319 for a loss of 39 pounds, while Cherita goes from 277 to 253 for a loss of 24. That's 63 pounds total. Victoria says this is the first time she's ever lost weight successfully, which is a great feeling. She knows she can do it, whatever happens. They're both so proud, and it's really endearing. Even Sami has tears in her eyes. They've lost 9.92% collectively, and Jillian tells us that she's blown away.

O'Neal and Sunshine need to have lost more than 65 pounds to triumph. Sunshine goes from 275 to 250 for a loss of 25 pounds, while O'Neal goes from 389 and 338 for a loss of 51. That's 76 pounds, and by Muskrat Love they've got it! Nice work on O'Neal's part. He did it all to get revenge on that stationary bike. O'Neal says he wishes Victoria could take his place, because she's a young black kid who needs the ranch as much as he does. He notes that obesity and diabetes are rampant in the black community, and he wants to help the community as well as himself. I do enjoy O'Neal. Cherita commends the Yellow Team for the magnificent job they did at home, and says that she and Victoria are going to continue on their journey even though they won't be on campus. Sunshine and O'Neal lost 11.45% total, which is pretty impressive. Victoria and Cherita are sad to be leaving again, but note that failure isn't an option. They're going to kick butt at home, just as they've kicked butt at home over this last month.

With that, it's time to hit the gym. There are all sorts of jump cuts and shots that make the trainers look crazed. Jillian screams at Daris that he's too comfortable. Bob talks about pride being one of the seven deadly sins. Except when it's on three, I guess. Or when you're thinking about what you've done today to make you feel proud. O'Neal is all, "What the hell?" Bob pays some special attention to Melissa, who begs him to leave her alone. She reminds us that the trainers have called her a big fat liar for the past three weeks, and even screamed at her. Bob thinks it's time to put this behind them, because Melissa's confidence has been shaken. She starts bawling, and Bob tells her that she can do it, and this is going to make her stronger. She's pushing outside of her comfort zone, and finding all new limits. Bob knows she can do anything, including waterload and lie about it. I sure hope we don't have to endure a Melissa redemption arc. Bob says that Melissa gained his respect by losing 11 pounds during a week when she had immunity, and now he's going to do whatever she needs. They hug, and I vomit.

Meanwhile, Jillian tells Daris that she doesn't like how close he's getting to the yellow line. His numbers have been weak, and it's clear that he has self-esteem issues. Jillian thinks it's obvious that he's not pushing himself, and she wants to know what's going on. Daris tells us that he's been having trouble getting his calorie burn, even when doing the same workout as others. He finally tells Jillian that he guesses he's not doing as much as the other big guys. With some prodding by Dr. Phillian, Daris says that he's always been heavy, and after a while you just give up and accept that you're the fat funny guy who goes home by himself every day. He's lost 51 pounds so far, and Jillian asks what he has to say about the funny fat guy who's 51 pounds skinnier after a month. Daris can't believe he's come this far, which has taken courage, confidence, and pride. He cries, and I want to give him the biggest hug. She asks Daris to be the guy who lost 51 pounds in four weeks rather than the funny fat guy. Daris agrees, and Jillian tells him that she'll be pissed if he falls below the yellow line. She totally wants to hug him too, though.

And then, since Sunshine and O'Neal are new they get to shill products with everyone else. Yep, it's Jennie-O turkey chili time. I do kind of want chili now. Bastards.

With that, it's challenge time. Sami could not be wearing more teal as she announces that this will be a football challenge. Each team has a piece of equipment with blocking pads. Their job is to alternate hitting each one. The first team to hit the tackling dummy 1,000 times wins immunity. The team who comes in last will receives a two-pound penalty. Each team will pick one person to represent them in this challenge, except for the teams who already have only one player. As it turns out, the challenge feels easy at first but in fact is ac

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