Biggest Loser
Episode 7

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We enter the morning after Blaine's elimination. Dane is mournful. I am pleased if only because now I won't confuse Dane for Blaine and vice versa. Dane says that he was focused before, but will work even harder since Blaine sacrificed himself. To wit, he works out in the gym alone. One is the loneliest treadmill run that you'll ever do.

The contestants walk to the gym and see Sami, harbinger of doom. She announces that there will be another pop challenge. Even though I thought they were mean at the time, I now really kind of miss the challenges where contestants had to eat 4,000 calories worth of marshmallows to get, like, a twenty dollar bill and a slap on the ass. This pop challenge will have the contestants compete to get their very own keys to the gym. If they do not get one of the two keys that open the gym doors, they don't have access to the gym all week. Oooh, maybe this IS deliciously sadistic, too! Goody. The contestants will have to walk up a hill where they'll find 130 keys. Each person will grab one, then walk back to the gym and try out his or her key in two giant padlocks. Two keys will work, and those teams will have gym access while the others will make use of nature's gym -- the great outdoors. Laura is not so psyched at the idea of exercising outside, and conjectures that mountain lions might eat them. Laura would be the meal of a lifetime for some lucky mountain lion. She's like the Powerball of mountain lion dinners.

The contestants take off! Ron and his bad knees can only walk very slowly, but everyone else jogs. The hill is quite a trek, and Tara appears to be the first to reach the top. And then she drops a possibly uncensored f-bomb as she says, "I don't fucking know." I mean, maybe she said "freaking," but it was close enough that the censors could have put down their complimentary 100 Calorie Snack Packs and thrown in a beep. Everyone is frantic to get to the keys with the exception of Shanon, who just wants to enjoy her day and so moseys up and down the hill. Ron can barely get down the hill with his knees, but perseveres. The other contestants help him and warn him of slippery spots on the hill, because everyone's all nice to each other this year. Suckers. After two minutes, no one has found the golden keys. Tara and Sione are made of steel and make it up and down the hill faster than just about everyone else. After seven laps, Tara pukes, and then just keeps on running. She runs and pukes, runs and pukes, and Aubrey thinks she's amazing for it. And has some banging breath to boot.

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Biggest Loser

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