Biggest Loser
Episode 7

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Black Attack

Welcome back, Loser Lovers! How 'bout those Olympics? And what, you may ask, have I done today to make me proud? Well, I have been felled with a terrible cold/flu type thing, and I STILL rallied to have dinner and two beers with some out of town co-workers/friends. The alcohol kills the germs! I am waiting for the fine folks at Magic Hat to sponsor a study proving that theory.

Anyway, you may not remember what happened on the show two weeks ago, so we get a review. The contestants went to the Olympic training facility in Colorado and chanted "USA! USA!" But not loud enough, and so mad voiceovers were utilized. There was a red line, which Melissa fell under. She was immediately eliminated. Oh! And I totally forgot! Darrell and Cheryl fell below the yellow line and elimination was based on some whack challenge where they had to balance giant Olympic torches on their heads. There was a cliffhanger, and so we'll learn tonight which of the two goes home.

And so here we are. Flaming torches and heads: it's like the peanut butter and chocolate of Biggest Loser challenges. They hang in for seven minutes. Darrell's having major knee pain, and Cheryl's torch is really crooked. At the nine minute mark, Darrell can't take it any more and his torch tumbles from atop his head. Who else shall remind us of Michael McDonald? Shine, sweet freedom. Darrell cries, as does Andrea. He seems well-liked, and gives us some talk about his transformation. Today's Darrell is very self-confident, and isn't going to let life roll over him while he lounges in his recliner. He's going to take life by the horns. Ah, horny life. We'll learn at the end of the show how Darrell looks today.

And hey! It's cookie mountain! The contestants are back on the ranch, and face a delicious temptation. Sami tells them that as of today, they're going Blue versus Black. Ashley, a veteran viewer, reminds us that this will doubtlessly bring a lot of drama. One player will get to choose the teams, and will also get to choose one person (including his or herself) who will have immunity for the week. Why the hell wouldn't you pick yourself? Especially if you've eaten 600 cookies?

The contestants have to decide if they're in or out before they learn the details of the challenge. Drea and Michael are the only ones who decide to play. Sami tells them that they'll be playing a classic game of memory. They'll pick cards two at a time and try to find a match. The goal is to try to find a pair of golden tickets. But in addition to the golden tickets, there are snack items on the board. If Drea gets a match, Michael has to eat and vice versa. If there's no match, the person who's up has to eat a 100-calorie cookie.

Drea is up first and uncovers a PBJ sandwich. She next uncovers a blueberry muffin. No match. She has to eat a cookie. It tastes delicious at first, until she realizes that she might have to eat 50 more. Michael reveals a 200-calorie Pop Tart, followed by a cupcake. No match. Another cookie is eaten, and he loves it. Drea next reveals a fruit pie and a pretzel. No match. Michael chooses a glazed donut and a Reese's cup. Cookies abound. This goes on and on, and Drea is starting to regret playing the game. Eventually, she matches two Reese's cups. Michael has to eat them, and is starting to feel gross. Drea chooses again, but no match. The other contestants are feeling pretty great that they're not scarfing all these calories. Drea matches a pair of 360-calorie blueberry muffins. Michael eats as Drea chooses again. She then matches a pair of 340-calorie pretzels. Michael eats some more as Drea chooses again. Drea then matches a pair of 480-calorie fruit pies. Michael is screwed, and has eaten 1,760 calories so far. The others get ill watching sweaty, nauseous Michael chew.

Finally, Drea finds a golden ticket. She doesn't match it. Michael finally gets a turn, and matches a pair of 420-calorie PBJ sandwiches. His next match is unsuccessful, but reveals a black and white cookie, which makes me totally want a black and white cookie. Michael has eaten almost 2,000 calories, while Drea has eaten 1,120. Bob and Jillian are going to burst their respective blood vessels. Drea matches a pair of Rice Krispie treats, and Michael wants to barf. But first he must eat a glazed donut, the result of another Drea match. 2,310 calories and counting. But then! Michael reveals the second golden ticket. But does he remember where the first is? Yes. Yes he does. He does a dance of joy, which burns off 1/1000th of the 2,310 calories he's eaten. Drea hates her life.

Michael gets to choose Black versus Blue. Sami tells him that each team will have six players. However, there are 13 players total. That lucky 13th person will have immunity, but won't belong to a team. After this week, whichever team loses the weigh-in will have the person with immunity join them. Ah, intriguing. Michael is apparently a game-player, and the others believe he's going to shake things up. Michael says he wants to be fair and not malicious, but most of all he wants to look out for himself. Whenever someone says that, they're about to be a dick.

Michael chooses Sam for the Black Team, which will train with Jillian. Koli goes on the Blue Team, which will train with Bob. They're pissed at being separated, and everyone else is pretty wary. Michael is sticking to his guns. Cheryl goes on the Black Team, and Daris goes on the Blue Team. Another split-up! Controversy. Drea goes on the Black Team, which is not what she wanted. Michael apparently knew that, because they had a conversation about it just that morning. Lance goes on the Blue Team, which is what he wanted. I think the two of them are friends. Koli notices that the Blue Team is really stacked with big guys who can lose a lot of weight. Stephanie is next for the Black Team. Miggy goes on the Blue Team, and Sherry goes on Black. Sunshine is on Blue. One shirt of each color is left. The Black shirt goes to Ashley. She's happy to be with her mom, but is a little wary of the fact that her team is full of smaller women going up against a bunch of huge guys. One Blue shirt is left. Michael takes it for himself, thus giving O'Neal immunity. O'Neal is happy about this, until he realizes Michael's machinations. Michael admits in an interview that putting himself on a strong team is his strategy. Perhaps he doesn't realize how very much Jillian likes a team of underdogs.

The trainers enter the gym and see their Black and Blue Teams. Jillian almost immediately says that this is one of the most fucked up things she's ever seen. She adds that this is a completely unfair and impossible scenario. Every time it goes Blue versus Black, a shiny-haired Jillian tells us in an interview, it's effed up. Jillian yells at Michael, asking how this is fair and noting that he didn't even give the members of the Black Team a chance. She's so pissed, and says that she wants people to stay because of hard work, not manipulation. Michael says that he didn't make the game, and so she should stop making him look like the bad guy. She tells him that, in fact, he is the bad guy. Michael says that he has to look out for himself, and looks to Bob for support in that assertion. Bob is staying out of it, and just stands there looking uncomfortable.

Jillian tells Michael that he's right, and that she gets triggered by things that seem unfair because it brings back the feeling of being a loser fat kid in junior high. That pisses her off. Bob points everyone to the treadmills. Jillian says that she'll do everything that she can for her team members, but she doesn't make any promises. It's a difficult situation. But the Black Team has underdog mojo and something to prove, so who knows. Bob nicknames Michael "Cookie" because of the 2,000 plus calories he ate earlier. He then tells his team that they can't coast just because Michael stacked the team. Sam is ready to kick ass and take names on behalf of the Black Team.

Back at the house, there is tension galore. Ashley apparently wants to slit Michael's throa

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