Biggest Loser
Episode 8

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Bitter/Sweet

What have I done today to make me feel proud? Well, this is actually what I did yesterday to make me feel proud. Today was a bit prideless. In any case, one word: Cardioke. If you think it's bad when you're singing The Pussycat Dolls while doing high-impact aerobics, just wait until Billy Blanks, Jr.'s beard comes out to sing a song that she wrote during the cool down. Now excuse me while I practice the Cardioke Slide. Duck left, duck right, walk it out!

And whoa! Biggest Loser is live! Kind of. With a double elimination! That happens on film. But we're outside of one of the eliminated contestants' house! To see how they look now! Bob, hanging out with various and friends, tells us that this is going to be a great night. I'm not so sure. But you know what was a great night? Last Tuesday, when Biggest Loser was only an hour. There are ten contestants left. You know who they are.

We are reminded that last week involved some Marines shenanigans at Camp Pendleton. The contestants are still getting over it. Several of the contestants actually gained weight thanks to the mess hall, and they're happy to be back on the ranch where there is Extra Sugar Free Gum instead of breakfast sausage. Sami greets the contestants and notes that three contestants gained weight last week, which is a Biggest Loser record. Then she announces that the contestants will no longer be competing as Black versus Blue -- they're going back to their original colors. But they're not competing as singles -- they'll be competing as pairs. One person will get to pick the pairs. To add to the drama, two players will be eliminated at the end of the week. This show never stops! Sami is so innocuous, yet such a deliverer of evil messages.

The contestants sit around and wonder if a whole team will go home, or if two individuals from different teams will go home. Mark thinks that he's a big target given that he's lost the highest percentage of weight in the house. Frado asks for volunteers to go home, and Lisa half-jokingly raises her hand. She's about 60% sure that she wants to be on campus, which is a bit irritating to the others. Jesse says that nobody wants to be on Lisa's team, because to be paired with somebody who isn't giving it her all is certain doom.

Bob and Jillian meet the contestants in the gym and are ready to give a few wake-up calls to the group. Bob takes Brendan and Patrick and gets tough with them, saying that he's wanted to snap Brendan like a twig for weeks. With sweat dripping off of his beard, Patrick takes a moment to tell us that Bob is killing them. Ada is also part of the tortured team, as Bob screams, "I got a mission! I got a job to do! I got a job to do!" He sounds insane, which is a nice touch. Jillian, meanwhile, tells her trainees that they will never win. Just when they think they've won, she'll press the up button on the treadmill. Jillian confirms that she and Bob plan to kill everybody to get them back on track after Camp Pendleton.

Ada is nervous going into the pairings and says that she doesn't want to be paired up with any of the other lame-ass ladies. She wants a buff guy. Meanwhile, Elizabeth would like to be with Lisa. Perhaps the continual lack of oxygen is really affecting her. Brendan, meanwhile, knows that he will participate in a temptation challenge if it is offered, and so is totally comfortable working out until he pukes. As you do.

The contestants meet up with Sami at some sort of grand dining hall. They're seated in order of their total percentage of weight lost to date. If the game ended now, Mark would be the Biggest Loser, followed by Ada. Brendan is happy to be in the middle of the pack and flying low on the radar. The contestants will be teamed in pairs, and the person who gets to choose those pairs will be the one who eats the most calories at dinner. That person would be me, who just devoured half a pepperoni pizza. What? I did Cardioke yesterday. Here's how the temptation challenge works. Each contestant has a menu. They'll have to order an appetizer in secret. It will be revealed when it's time to eat. And so on with the main course and dessert. The person with the most calories consumed at the end of the meal will win.

Brendan says that he told Patrick and Frado that they don't have to partake in the challenge since he's going to eat enough calories to kill all of them, and thus put them on good teams. The appetizers are delivered. Mark ordered the tricolore salad at 200 calories, which means he's staying healthy and not engaging in the challenge. Ada chose the prosciutto di parma, which is 530 calories and also looks delicious. Ada tells us that she kind of wants to win, but kind of wants to stay under the radar. Mostly, I think she kind of wants salty meats. I really can't blame her for that. Jesse orders the 460 calorie beet salad, while Frado goes for the low-calorie tricolore salad. Aaron has the 450 calorie tomato Provence soup, and Brendan goes for something called arancini Bolognese. These are fried rice balls, in meatball sauce. Patrick, Lisa and Jessica get the tricolore salad, which means they aren't interested in the games. Liz gets the 570 calorie grilled calamari. How can it be 570 calories when it's grilled? Oh, fatty sea creatures.

Sami reminds the contestants that they have to eat everything on their plate for the calories to count. As the scarfing commences, Jesse and Mark tell us that Brendan, Aaron and Liz seem like the biggest game players at the outset. The only players who eat their full first courses are Elizabeth, Aaron, Brendan and Frado. Frado had the salad, though, so I don't think he really counts. Aaron confirms for us that he's in the game and his biggest competition is Brendan. Meanwhile, Brendan tells them that the key is not letting Aaron win, because if he does Brendan and Frado are screwed. Brendan's strategy is to eat everything that's fried and covered in butter, which is disgusting but probably winning.

Dinner is served! Frado orders the 1,300 calorie prawns mediterraneo. Aaron has the 2,500 calorie gaucho ribeye. Brendan orders the ribeye as well, while Elizabeth gets the 1,400 calorie salmon organico. I think Elizabeth just wants a delicious meal. Brendan and Aaron are getting really full. Brendan tries to talk Aaron out of eating by saying that if he does, Brendan will pair him with Jesse. Aaron hopes that Brendan will stick to his word, and stops eating his meal. Then it's time for dessert. I am so sad to see the calorie count on these yummy treats. Brendan orders the crème brulee at 950 delicious calories. Lisa gets the 1,400 calorie dark chocolate tart, while Elizabeth goes for the crème brulee. Patrick points out that Lisa is chowing down on her dessert, just for the hell of it. Lisa argues that she wouldn't eat this at home, says that she saved her calories for dessert, and then leaves the fruit to take a few calories off of the whole endeavor. Yes, by all means don't ingest the antioxidant-rich blueberries. Brendan thinks that Lisa is fucked. When Sami tells Lisa that her dessert was 1,400 calories, Lisa totally doesn't care, despite Frado's guilt trip. That actually kind of makes me respect her more.

As you may have guessed, Brendan is the winner of the challenge. He ate 3,500 calories at dinner, and now has the power to choose the teams for the rest of the week. Brendan keeps his word to Aaron and pairs him with Jesse. He pairs Frado with Mark, and Lisa with Elizabeth. Everyone is happy so far. But that's about to change. Brendan chooses Patrick for himself, leaving Jessica and Ada to be partnered. Ada is pissed. She says that Brendan made the right decision for himself, but she's incensed that Brendan gave Aaron the partner that he wanted while leaving her in the dust. This may have something to do with the fact

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